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Are you gay?

For the record, I’m not. If I was, I’m not sure that I would admit it, but I like to think I would.

Who knows?

The point is, I’m not, but I get accused of being gay all the time.

Most of it is either just jealousy from weak-minded guys, or wishful thinking from gay dudes, but it does come up.

The funniest example so far is this email I got the other day.

What’s really funny to me is when guys say that they KNOW I’m gay.

Now, I’ve met some gay dudes that were in the closet, and I actually know at least one right now. I guess if you live in a real conservative place, or if your parents were uptight it could really suck to be gay.

I mean really, it could happen to anyone. It’s just a genetic roll of the dice. I’m short and my hair is falling out.

Some people are gay. I personally couldn’t care less, and if you’re happy, I’m happy.

Don’t try to fuck me, and we can be friends.

But I guess since there’s so many people in the closet there’s always going to be a certain amount of people that don’t believe you if you say you’re straight.

That’s understandable.

I’ve been guilty of it myself. There’s been several times in my life where I’ve met a guy and was convinced that he was gay no matter what he said.

It’s sort of a game to play with your friends, really.

Let’s play the “what do you think?” game.

Often times your friends know EXACTLY what you’re talking about, and you don’t even have to say the word. You just look at them and say “You think?” and he’ll just nod his head and say “All day.”

You don’t even have to mention it again.

Sometimes it’s really fun, like if the guy is married or has kids.

Or even more fun if he’s some tightly wound conservative Christian who’s married and has kids. (Those are my personal favorite)

Sometimes you’ll find out a guy is gay and it’s a total shocker.

There’s this one guy we found out about that was a cage fighter. This guy was fucking huge. Big, giant, scary guy with a really hot girlfriend, too. The way it came out was really pretty funny. There was a cage fighting show that was featuring this particular gentleman, and they were trying to get some information on him for the press release, so the publicist went online and did a google search. Well, apparently this guy was not just gay, but was a gay pornstar and didn’t even bother to change his name when he started fighting.

Imagine the surprise when the first article she found on this guy wasn’t about his ability to inflict punishment, or his skill at choking men unconscious, but rather the fact that he was the winner of the “Hungriest Butt” contest.

Hungriest… butt.

Holy shit.

Surely this was a mistake. There’s no way this dominant alpha male would be playing for the other team.

Why, if we were living in ancient Rome this man would be leading an army into battle. He would be on horseback storming headfirst into the opposition, his broadsword felling bodies left and right, shouting out a fierce war cry.

He was a specimen, a warrior.

It must be confusion; perhaps another man has the same name…

Yet, there he was on Al Gore’s internet with a big fat cock in his mouth.

Not just that, but one in the pooper, too.

250 lbs of alpha male muscle, and there he was with two guys using his body to play a game of Chinese finger handcuffs.

It looked like he was enjoying it, too.

Who knows, maybe he was just acting.

Now, I read an article in Esquire once about a dude that claimed he was straight, but was a gay porn star. He said he was doing it because there’s a lot of money in it, which is a little shaky.

I mean… how much money are we talking about?

This guy had done dozens of films.

How much money is a lot of money for gay sex if you’re not gay?

I don’t know about you, but I would have to get so much fucking money that I didn’t ever have to do a second film.

They say that everyone has their price, but there are some people that claim there’s not enough money in the world to get them to do certain things, like gay sex.

For the most part I think they say that because no one is really offering them a ton of money for gay sex. It’s not really going to happen, so why think realistically about the proposition and risk ridicule?

But what if someone really was offering?

Now, if you’re straight, what if someone came around and offered a TON of money for one gay sexual experience.

I’m talking about a fucking TON of money.

Like 10 billion dollars.

Would you take it?

You would have to be a fucking idiot if you didn’t take it.

One hour of misery and you and all your friends could live like the Sultan of Brunei for the rest of your lives.

Shit, you could write a book about the experience and make another 10 million on top of that.

“I’ve got my price” would shoot to the top of the bestseller lists.

It would be the subject of debate for hundreds of talk shows across the country.

The people would be divided on the subject, but again I believe it’s all bullshit. If the offer were real, almost everyone would take it.

It wouldn’t mean you were gay. It would just mean that you let a gay guy fuck you.

Would you do it?

Just think of what you could do if you had Bill Gates type money. Are you fucking kidding me?

You wouldn’t suffer for an hour for that?

I sure as fuck would do it. Everyone has a price, and that’s mine.

For 10 Billions Dollars you can fuck my ass.

You can do whatever the fuck you want with me for one hour.

I have a high tolerance to pain, and my will is strong. I’ll get through it. I have vision, and that’s a ton of fucking money.

I mean think about it, how long is an hour?

It’s all relative, really.

Hours go by all the time and you don’t even notice.

It’s not really that long, but it can sure seem that long when you’re suffering

How long would an hour of gay sex feel like?

I would imagine it would probably be the longest measurement of an hour ever.

You remember when you were a kid and it was almost the end of the school day, and that last hour would just fucking crawl by?

I bet it would be quite a bit slower than that.

But you know what?

It would eventually end. It would be just like any other hour for most people, but your life would be different forever.

For your neighbor next door watching Fear Factor, his hour went by like it always does. He doesn’t even remember most of it.

He’s sitting in front of the TV screen watching me encourage some high school dropout to suck down a plate of rotten pig embryos, and at the same time you’re one house away crying in shame, lube dripping off your elbow, with your finger knuckle deep up some guys ass while he’s blasting a load on your face.

The difference is, at the end of the hour that guy’s life still sucks, and you’re living like you’re in a Jay Z video for the rest of your life.

It’s not like it’s really going to hurt you. I mean fuck, there’s a ton of dudes doing it everyday and they’re fine. They actually like it.

I’m not saying you’ll come out of it completely unscathed. I’m sure there’s going to be some painful memories to deal with, But you know what? I’m guessing 10 billion dollars can smooth that over right quick.

It might even help your relationships because now you’ll have a better understanding of why your girlfriend complains when you want to fuck her in the ass.

Maybe you’re not a materialist.

Maybe money doesn’t motivate you, so how about if it was that you had to do it for a more altruistic reason, like to save the world or something?

Let’s say a big gay alien is going to kill all of the people on Earth unless you suck his dick.

Would you do it?

And before any of you say that this is a ridiculous scenario, I would submit to you that it’s probably MORE likely that a gay alien would come here from another planet and ask you to suck his dick than it is that a guy would willing to pay 10 billion to bone me.

Think about it.

There are 100,000,000,000 stars in this galaxy alone, but how many dudes are there on earth that have $10,000,000,000.00 to blow on a piece of ass?

And let’s be honest, any guy with 10 billion can do WAY better than me.

As long as Billy Zane is out there, I can safely say the offer is never going to reach my desk.

So if the offer were real, would you take it?

Suck the gay alien dick and save the world.

If you blow him, he’ll not only spare all the people a horrible death, but also offer them the keys to enlightenment and elevate the entire race.

Would you make the ultimate sacrifice and offer your mouth to save every man woman and child on the planet?

Or would you say “Fuck that shit, I ain’t no space homo!” and let everyone die for your vanity?

Is the feeling of shame too powerful for you?

For some people gay shame is just too much to deal with.

There was a story just a week or so ago where this marine that was on leave picked up a hooker, and then found out that he had been duped, and had actually been pleasured by a man in a dress. He freaked out, killed the he-she, and dumped the body on Melrose. The cops chase him, and he leads them in a high-speed pursuit that ends up in a shoot out where the cops had to kill him.

All because the guy couldn’t deal with the fact that a dude blew him. Now, if the guy just had a sense of humor he would have had a great fucking story that he could tell people for the rest of his life, but instead the he wound up dead.

All because he couldn’t deal with the shame.

That’s pretty silly if you ask me.

Getting blown by a guy in a dress doesn’t mean you’re gay, it just means you got tricked.

He tricked you, so you kill him?

That doesn’t seem fair.

And what kind of a way is that to treat a guy that just gave you a blowjob?

Talk about ungrateful.

OK… maybe I’m getting a little off track here.

My point is… actually, I don’t really have a point. Oh yeah, the email.

So I get this email the other day, and it really made me laugh, because although I’ve been accused of being gay, no one has ever gone into such great depth about it.

He actually makes some pretty good points.

I thought it was worth a chuckle or two, so here it is in all it’s unedited glory:

You’re gay , aren’t you?

I’ve been watching you for a while now and I’m fairly convinced that you’re homosexual. I’m gay too, so I know what I’m talking about. You have a LOT of the “right” characteristics that make my Gaydar go off the scale and I just wanted to make sure you knew they weren’t going past unnoticed. I can tell a fellow cocksucker when I see one.

I first suspected you were queer when I saw you a few years back on Mad TV or something like that. Even tho I had no idea who you were at the time, you were a guest on the show appearing in a sketch involving a pool boy. After I watched you for a couple of minutes I said to myself, “Who the fuck’s this nelly queen?” From what I recall, you were a total sissy.

I guess it wasn’t until several months later that I saw you again on TV for something else. I realized I was watching they guy from MadTV that I thought was gay , so I tried to pay attention to find out who you were. I still didn’t know why you were a celebrity but I still thought you were gay . More so in fact because I took care to watch your mannerisms carefully. Remember, I’m gay so I know what to look for.

Now, after a couple of years, I know you host Fear Factor and also used to be on the Man Show after it stopped being hilariously funny. I thought you were gay then and I still do. It basically comes down to overcompensation but here’s a more detailed explanation of why:

1. Excessive Vanity. Dude, you’re waaaaaay too into yourself. You’re like a girl that way. Guys who are comfortable with their masculinity don’t need to always wear too-tight shirts or take their shirts off altogether, especially on TV. On the other hand, gay men love to see the male body exposed, including their own and those of other men. So by trying to draw attention to your own body, you’re really just worshipping mens’ bodies in general; you just happen to be attached to the one you’re trying to show off.

2. Open Homoeroticism. I mean, what’s up with that magazine picture with your body shaved and legs spread eagled? Tell me that’s not just asking for a dick up your asshole. Clearly, you’re a bottom. Ouch!

3. Flirting with the Boys. You may not notice it, but you leer at the hot men on your show. You shake their hands just a little too hard and for just a little too long, and try to be all buddy/buddy with them in a fake male-bonding sort of way. But I think you’re hoping that one of them will pull you in close shove his tongue down your throat. Anyway, its obvious that you like the men even though you toss those stupid, predictable lines at the chicks for cover.

4. You Just Look Gay . First, you have the gay Caesar/Napoleon/George Clooney haircut for men with thin hair who comb it over their forehead because they don’t want to show their receding hairline. That’s related to Vanity, tho. Next, you have (very) ” gay eyes” which are basically eyes that look like a woman’s with unusually long lashes for a man, like you have. A lot of gay men have them actually; they’re a pretty reliable indicator of homosexuality. Personally, I think it has something to do with having more than your fair share of feminine genes and therefore some more obvious female characteristics.

But you also sound gay , too. The way you speak is also slightly effeminate although you overcompensate for it and try to effect a fake tough guy accent, like you’re from the ‘hood or something. Not working.

And as if that weren’t enough, you’re really too old to be dressing the way you do. I guess you’re probably in your late 30s by now but you look like you’re trying to pledge a frat. That’s not working for you either.

5. Your own Words. I did a Google search on the terms “Joe Rogan” and ” gay “. I was surprised to see how many links popped up and also how many times you were quoted as saying something that had to do with homosexuality. Usually you were defending it or trying to deminish any stigma still attached to it – and that’s good. But it also raises the question of Why is this guy so interested in gay stuff, and especially speaking about it so positively. That’s not usually something a straight guy would talk about out of the blue if nobody asked. But if somebody did ask you about it, why do you think they did? Hmmmmm.

So there you go. That’s why I’m almost 100% sure…no, wait, I AM 100% that you’re gay . But more importantly, I think I think its time you announced it publicly and just got it over with. Look, let’s be honest…your career can’t possibly advance any farther than where it is now so you shouldn’t hold back because you think being gay might hurt you or something. Thinking even a little bit ahead, you’ve really got nothing to lose..

Plus, once you come out, you can make the transition to gay porn movies more easily; it wouldn’t be so controversial if everybody already knew you sucked dick. But you’d better hurry Joe cause you’re starting to look a little worn out and you know the gay community places a premium on young, hunky, studs with tight bods. I say loosen up those leg muscles and get that hole ready for a close up before its too late.

P.S.: I’m totally serious. I think you’re gay . No kidding.