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Be thankful you’re not a fucking idiot…

During this Holiday time, and at all times really, it’s important to be thankful. We should be thankful of many things: our health, our friends and family, our good fortune… but most importantly you should be thankful that you’re not a fucking idiot. There’s a fuck load of them out there, and most of them aren’t even aware that they’re idiots. (you need to sign up with the NY times to view that link, but it’s free and it’s worth it.)

Take this asshole here for example.

His name is Shridhar Chillal and he is the Guinness Book of World Records holder for the longest finger nails ever.

nails

How long? The longest nail on his left hand (the only hand he grew the nails on) was over 4 1/2 feet long before he cut it. He spent over 50 years growing them before he finally called it quits recently.

At what price? How about a permanently disfigured left hand, constant pain in his wrist and shoulders from the added weight, and permanent widespread nerve damage from not using his left hand that has caused him to go completely deaf in his right ear.

But hey… he made it into a BOOK!!

That’s gotta be sweet… sitting there on the couch with your limp useless left hand hanging by your side, thumbing through the Guinness book when all of a sudden there it is:

Shridhar Chillal, longest nails.

Imagine the excitement that must coarse through you veins to see YOUR ACTUAL NAME in text in a book! The intense satisfaction that must bring Shridhar is truly unimaginable. You did it, baby. And they told you that you were a fool to dream? Well fuck them.

Now Shridhar would like to cash in on his accomplishment, so he’s going to sell his dirty yellow nails to the first person that coughs up $200,000.00 A real sweet payday for all that hard work, roughly $83.50 a week for 50 years. Nice, huh? When asked if he would do it all over again, Shridhar said that he did it all for fame, and that he would do it all over again "if I were to have another life."

That’s an interesting thought, Shridhar. One that I would like to explore with you. I’m am willing to make a formal offer of $200,000.00 to cut your fucking head off with a rusty shovel. Now before you panic and disconnect your web browser… hear me out. First off, this can only make you MORE famous. And secondly, if there is such a thing as reincarnation you can come back in the next life with $200,000.00 in the bank to fund your next nail growing adventure! I’ll put the whole thing on pay-per-view and donate the proceeds to these scientists.

Think about it, dude. And get back to me.

Speaking of useless hands, how about someone who loses both of his hands doing something stupid, but STILL doesn’t learn and goes back for more? I’m talking about this douche bag right here.

His name is Kim Hong-Bin, and he lost his hands due to frost bite from a failed climb to the top of Alaska’s Mount McKinley. Now for most people, losing both your hands would be the end of that mountain climbing shit, but not for Kim Hong-Bin. No Siree Bob. Kim is no quitter. In fact he decided to up the ante and step right up to the big Kahuna: Mt. Everest. That’s right, Kim with two stumps where his hands used to be put it all on the line in an attempt to climb the largest mountain in the world. The top of Everest is 29,028 feet, or roughly the cruising altitude for a 747.

Not a such a great place for human beings folks, and certainly not a great place for a guy trying to pull himself up there with his teeth and his stumps. Over 180 people have died attempting the climb, and there’s an estimated 120 bodies just sitting up there, frozen solid for anyone passing by to check out.

mallory

"Hey dude, maybe this ain’t such a great fuckin’ idea after all…"

Now why you ask, would anyone want to make such a perilous journey to begin with? I’ll explain it to you in two words:

Little Dicks.

Make no mistake about it, there are no big dick dudes climbing Everest. They’re all down here fucking. That’s a fact. The desire to "conquer" nature comes from man’s feelings of inadequacies. The fact that they feel weak and ineffective leads to the ego tricking them into doing outrageous things to overcompensate. Things like training wild animals and climbing snow covered mountains. But at the end of the day it’s all for naught. Climbing a mountain doesn’t change shit, because when you come down from the mountain you’re still the same asshole you were before you left, little dick and all. Only now you can’t even jerk off your own little dick anymore, because you lost your hands climbing a frozen mountain.

As Tony Montana would say: "Look at you now, you stupid fuck!"

Oh yeah, by the way… he never made it to the top.

Tsk, tsk, tsk…

At least he didn’t lop his hands off on purpose, like this asshole here. He doesn’t even have the little dick excuse anymore… because he chopped his own cock off too. So there you have it. There’s lots to be thankful for, unless of course you ARE a fucking idiot, in which case what are you doing hanging around here?

There’s lots of other websites out there just for you. Enjoy them.