How often do you masturbate?

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without? For me, it’s 3 days. 3 days without manual release in roughly 17 years of jerking off. See, I started off late in life with this whole jerking off thing. I never did it even once until I was 16. When I was in high school I had a really horny girlfriend, and we used to fuck constantly. That was pretty much all we ever did. We fucked like only kids that have recently discovered sex can, constantly, with wide eyed fascination and enthusiasm. I remember just being totally amazed that we were doing it at all.

It was just surreal.

I remember one time my girlfriend and I were doing it doggy style, and I caught our image in a mirror across the room. I was totally blown away that I was actually having sex! I can vividly remember looking my reflection in the eyes and mouthing to myself:

"Holy shit, you’re actually having sex!!"

It was just unreal.

Well, time passed, and eventually that girlfriend moved across the state, about an hour and a half away. Needless to say, that fucking three times a day shit came to an end. I was in pain. I ached to be with her. I would see her about once every 3 weeks or so, and I would almost burst from anticipation. Just hugging her would make my dick so hard it was actually painful. My orgasms would make my ears ring, and my legs twitch. Just the taste of her saliva was the sweetest thing imaginable. I was totally convinced that I was madly in love with this girl, and that I would be with her for the rest of my life. Despite the fact that when we weren’t having sex we fought almost constantly. That would all be worked out, I thought. We would eventually get our shit together and stop fighting. This… was love.

Well, one day a funny thing happened. My buddy Josh had this dirty magazine that another kid had sold him. He was afraid that his mom would find it, so he left it at my house. We looked at it briefly together, but it just seemed a little too gay to be looking at naked chicks together. A quick glance was OK, but to actually get a hard on in front of your friend when you’re 16 was just too fucked up.

So I waited.

Josh eventually went home, and I locked my bedroom door and gave the pages a closer inspection. This was no weak ass playboy shit, it was the real deal. Hustler, I believe. No tuft of pubic hair hiding in an air brushed shadow… we’re talking crystal clear, lubricated, in focus vaginas.

And not just that, either.

Chicks with their legs spread and willing, fingering themselves.

And more!!

I turned the page, and to my complete and total amazement the girl had a hard cock just a quarter of an inch from her hungry, wide open mouth. Her tongue was sticking out just barely touching the tip of this guys cock, and her plump, ruby red lips were dripping with saliva. Needless to say, that was quite a bit more than I could stand.

For the first time ever in my young life, I took matters into my own hand.

I barely got it out of my pants before it went off. My cock exploded like a broken fire hydrant, and almost passed out from the release.

I think I spanked out at least 2 more before I passed out for a nap. I awoke to the phone ringing. It was my girlfriend calling me from across the state. Funny thing though, talking to her now was somewhat different than before. It was… annoying.

She was telling me about some boys that were hitting on her in her new school, clearly trying to push my buttons. Then telling me how all the other girls in the school were ugly, and that she was getting all the attention. For the first time ever it occurred to me that my girlfriend was kind of a bitch. She was a manipulative little bitch that wasn’t really very nice at all. She was just really, really fucking hot, and that blinded me to everything else.

Until now. Now… I had clarity. For the first time in my young life I saw that I was being blinded by my hormones, and that this newfound discovery could be the key to my freedom. I would escape my troubles with manual release!!

Well, not really. See, I was still young, dumb, and full of cum, and as good as this jerking off thing was, it was still no substitution for the real thing. Especially when the real thing came in a package like my high school girlfriend. Eventually my girlfriend and I parted ways, in that inevitable traumatic way that only happens when you break up with your first love. We got together a few times after that for some rerun action, but eventually that stopped too, and we both moved on.

Well, 17 years have come and gone, but one thing has never changed: Jerking off. The most I’ve ever gone without it, as far as I can remember is about 3 days. 3 days in a row in 17 years. I will now attempt to break that record, not just break it, but demolish it. I will now commence with my latest scientific project, which I will document here on these pages. I’m calling it "The denial project" and I will attempt to not masturbate for one whole month. Risky, I know. In fact, it may be down right dangerous, and I’m not even sure if it’s possible.

But I’m willing to try.

I figure if my friend Kim over at can go a month on this carotene diet just to see if it makes her skin orange, I can go a month with out spanking it. As of about 5 hours ago it has been a full 24 hours since I last wacked it. I am 2 days from my personal record, and already I feel the pressure. I moved my entire 6 gig porn collection to my back up computer, and I hid my Jenna Jameson dvd’s on the top shelf of my closet.

Obviously I am taking this project very, very seriously. I am even requesting the services of this silly bitch right here, the nation’s first porn czar, to advise me of what to steer away from in order to avoid those impure thoughts.

Please, pray for me.

Oh yeah, the dumb fat cunt lost in court.


Too bad, I was hoping she would get rich and sue me.


Before there was Jenny Jones, before there was Springer, there was the great one… Rest in Peace, Morton Downey Jr.


I’m off to Columbus Ohio in the am. I’ll see you freaks when I get there, and we’ll tie one on for Mort!!