Finally I can whack off again. One month has past, and my dumb denial ass project is over. All in all I think I got out of it what I wanted, although it could have served the same purpose in 2 weeks. I have new found respect for my biological inner workings, and how it affects my daily thoughts, and although I can jerk off to my hearts content now, I don’t think I’ll be doing it nearly as much as I used to. The heightened sexual experience alone that comes from no masturbation is, in my opinion, well worth the wait.

So there you go… you learn something new every day.

Now that our service men and women are back from China, I think it’s going to be very interesting to see how this whole thing plays out.

Notice how Dick Cheeny has been noticeably absent from the news? I’m betting that dude had about 35 heart attacks last week just watching George Dumbyuh giving press conferences. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that dude has a bad ticker, and he should be at home with a blanket in his lap watching the 700 club, not standing beside a podium while Georgie boy butchers the English language and inches us closer to WW III.

And speaking of butchering the English language, I HAD to fucking laugh when I read this, that Jesse Jackson had offered to talk to the Chinese. That’s great… Who better to go over there and talk to them than the one person on the planet that speaks English worse than G.W.?

What, was BeetleJuice busy or something? I guess Jesse’s thinking was something along the lines of "Fuck it, they can’t understand English anyway. I’ll just go over there and torture the translators, see if I can make up a few new words and shit. "G.W. basically told him, " No thanks dude, I can fuck this up on my own just fine. Besides, don’t you have some illegitimate kids to take care of, Reverend?"

I wanna be a Reverend too, and thanks to my man Tony Z. in the place to be, I’m going to be one! He turned me on to this site where you can get a legitimate Doctor of Divinity degree.

I’m gonna start up my own religion and call it "Joe Rogan’s witnesses." Instead of knocking on your door early in the morning and asking you to buy the "watchtower" we’ll drive by your house late at night after last call in a giant winnebago and set up a projector on your front lawn. Then we will show you eye opening footage of the Pope riding around in his bullet proof pope mobile, dated footage from the middle east from the 1950′s all the way up to the present showing the same scene over, and over, and over again, with Palestinians throwing rocks and Israeli troops confronting them. Then once we have wondering what the fuck is going on, pot smoke will begin to billow out of the winnebago in great quantities, causing everyone within a 2 mile radius to get a contact high.

Once I am sure you’re all baked, I will get out the loudspeaker and ask you why it’s the year 2001, yet pot is still illegal, no one is flying around on jet packs, and "Touched by an Angel" is STILL on the air. We will then show you the press conference the day after the Army had announced to the world that a flying saucer had crashed in the desert in Roswell, New Mexico where the officers held up tinfoil, and pretended there was just a big misunderstanding about their original announcement, and it was actually just a balloon that had crashed.


Then we will show you the final "Back and to the left" headshot from the Zapruder film. As the final gunshot’s echo rings through the neighborhood, the stoned out viewers will sit there staring at the screen wondering what it all means.

What life all means…

Why nothing makes sense, and everything seems pointless.

Just when all hope seems to be lost, the back of the winnebago will open up and hundreds of top shelf strippers will pile out! Pizza trucks will arrive by the hundreds, and "Rage Against the Machine" music will flood the block.

I know, it’s a little shakey, but it’s a work in progress.

I’m off to Boston in 3 hours. I’ll be at the Comedy Connection in Providence on the 19th, and then the Connection in Boston on the 20th and the 21st.

Then when I return to L.A. I’m doing a special slammin’, jammin’ evening of fucked up comedy at The Viper Room on the 28th, with the one, the only, Joey "Where’s the package" Diaz.

Be there and enjoy.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot how much I hate vegetarians until I read this.

Peace and chicken grease…