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Dude, where the fuck have you been?!?!?!

I know, the updates have been few and far between lately, but shit’s been hectic over here. I’m home all weekend, so I’ll cook up something special for you freaks in the next day or two. For those of you who get it in your area (feel free to insert your own bad ass fuck joke here) I’ll be on the Tom Leykis radio show today trying to pimp my album. I’ll be on around 5pm west coast time. Tune and if youre bored, try to call up and say I’m a dickhead or something.

Did you know that people that post on message boards are journalists? I saw that on an episode of Law and Order. Some biker dude was posting on a message board about how he witnessed a murder in a bar, and he was saying that he’s not going to testify about what he saw because he’s a journalist protecting his sources. If it’s on TV, it must be true… Anyway, I stop in on my message board all the time and there’s some pretty cool shit going on there. It was getting kind of ugly there for a while around the elections, but thankfully it’s made a comeback. There’s some funny posts, some informative ones, and a sprinkling of right wing retard every now and then just to make shit interesting. One dude that posts all the time calls goes by the name of Rancid Turtle. He always has some smart, funny shit to say, so I invited him to actually write a column here for the front page. He took me up on the offer and created "The Manly Manifesto", a very informative two part piece to guide men through the process of dealing with women.

Without further delay I bring to you to the Rancid Turtle debut!:

The Manly Manifesto, a pamphlet of essential knowledge. Spurts of wisdom in the face of stupidity.

Chapter one: Broads

The ONLY three kinds of women:

It is important for a young man innocent to the ways of the world, pure of mind and body to know what he has in store for him. Modern entertainment and modern philosophy have failed us. The average man is lead to believe that the fairer sex is as advertised. In an effort to clear up misconceptions and to provide a system of classification for future reference we have defined three primary categories of women.

1. Big Fat and Ugly – The BFU women are everywhere. They are generally easy to get along with. Usually not very judgmental or pushy. They enjoy sex, and are famous for excellent blow jobs. Sometimes they are difficult to spot because there is also the latent BFU woman. The latent usually requires a wedding band or child to reach her full potential. The latent BFU is the worst because she doesn’t usually have the blow job skills of the genuine BFU and you probably own a house with her before she blooms. If you can’t respect her butt you must respect her mind. But it takes a freaking gorgeous mind to make up for all that ass. Not all big and fat women are ugly, but who cares?

2. Drug sucking sluts – Otherwise known as the North American Skank. There is a lot of video documenting the mating habits of the North American Skank. A couple of really good research websites too. Drug sucking sluts often look great. Especially if you have been drug sucking along side of them. Managed expectations are the key to dealing with a DSS. Expect to have to go to the free clinic and have the doctor put the long wooden q-tip up your dick.

3. Hopelessly neurotic. The worst of the three. Most pornstars and strippers fall in this category. This is because there is no difference between erotic and neurotic. This is the bane of mankind. Every man is attracted to these women and has to learn the hard way how head damaged they are. These women are the very definition of contradiction. They create an illusion of vulnerability about them that is the very core of feminine allure. Long hair, short skirts, long nails, high heels, exposed jewelry, and a frail but healthy looking physique all make a woman appear physically vulnerable to attack. The purpose is to appear that you can be easily dominated by a potential mate, eliciting two powerful instinctual responses in the common male animal; attack and defend. You want to latch on to the HN like a pit bull with a bunny rabbit and at the same time you want to keep every other man away from this frail wonderful creature. HN gets tons of attention and craves tons of attention. You will give her your house without thinking about it twice.

Those are the only types of women available. Many women are combinations of two or all three categories but mostly one of the three. I hope this has been helpful in preparing you for your journey into manhood. In the next chapter we will deal with meeting women or what I like to call the three pound rule.