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Get in touch with your inner chimp

I was doing my regular scan of the internet the other day and I came upon the story of the woman getting attacked by her friend’s chimpanzee.
I always stop to read animal attack stories, but there’s nothing quite like a chimp attack.
Chimps don’t just attack you, they try to hurt you in very specific ways. They’re not just trying to kill you, they’re trying to fuck your body up and take away what’s precious like your hands and your genitals. That’s a REALLY scary thought. A big, insanely strong, intelligent animal and it’s biting your dick off.
Whoa.

Chimps are really fascinating because of how intelligent they are, but they’re also equally fascinating because of how ruthless they are.
I was watching this one documentary where these chimps organized a hunting party to kill monkeys. They planned it out and herded these poor little shrieking, horrified monkeys into other waiting chimps. When the chimps got a hold of these terrified little trembling creatures they just bit into them and ripped them apart.
It was very disturbing to see. Here you have this clear ancestor of ours, we can read emotion on his face, he’s shrieking in terror, and then you have this other, even closer relative to humans and he and his buddies are essentially eating it alive.

me and a monkey

There’s a weird trait that sometimes animals that don’t always have to kill to survive have; it’s that when they catch an animal they don’t always kill it first – sometimes they just start eating.
Bears do that too. I saw a video where a bear captured a moose and he just started eating it, guts first. The thing was still alive, freaking the fuck out, and the bear is just tearing it up. Animals that have to kill to survive like big cats at least kill you first and then eat you.
Sometimes it’s really disturbing to see the indifference in nature, because as fucked up as our human society is, it’s still light years better than the society of any other animal on the planet. What’s even more disturbing is when wild nature’s indifference spills over into our civilized world, like when some crazy lady is keeping a full-grown chimpanzee for a “pet” in a residential neighborhood.

First off, I was amazed when I found out that this was legal. They call it having an “exotic pet,” which I thought was hilarious. A parrot is an exotic pet; this is super violent subhuman primate in a fucking diaper. There’s a big difference.
This chimp slept in the same bed as this lady, drank wine, ate xanax… this wasn’t just a pet, she was fucking partying with it! It’s just amazing that no one has a problem with that. Did anyone even do a little google search on chimps first?
They live in a rain forest, and every day is a gigantic struggle for survival.
Everywhere they look there’s big cats that want to eat them, poisonous snakes, poisonous bugs – they HAVE to be ruthless in order to survive long enough to breed.
They don’t learn how to be that way from books, it’s a natural inherited trait, and to think that you can suppress all of these vicious instincts with a diaper and a couple xanax is just beyond insane.

chimp rage

I have been completely obsessed with chimps most of my adult life.
I have photos of them all over the walls in my house.
When I go to the zoo, that’s always the first place I want to go; I want to see the past.
We came from that. That’s an incredible thought for a couple reasons; for one – it’s incredible because of how much more advanced than them we are.
I mean, if we both came from the same primate source, how the hell did we get so far ahead of the chimps?

I’ve heard a lot of theories, but my favorite theory about human evolution came from one of my personal heroes, Terence McKenna. His theory was aptly described as the “stoned ape” theory, and what it basically contends is that human being evolved out of less advanced primates when they started experimenting with new food and eating psychedelic mushrooms.
It sounds crazy, but anything involving mushrooms automatically seems crazy.
That’s just sort of the nature of the mushroom.
We really don’t know why humans got so smart, so quickly, but mushrooms are as good a theory as any.
I know what mushrooms do for the human brain, and I can imagine that they would have similar reality obliterating results for monkeys as well. Add psychedelic mushrooms as a regular and preferred part of their diet for 2,000,000 years or so and I could easily see how it could shake things up.

Who the hell knows if McKenna was actually right, and many very intelligent people that study these things for a living think his theory sounds retarded, but that might be because they didn’t figure it out for themselves, or because they’ve never done mushrooms.
Show me a man that doesn’t think that eating psychedelic mushrooms are a big deal, and I’ll show you a guy that’s never eaten mushrooms. Or at least has never eaten enough.

Who knows how we got here, but the bottom line is we did, and chimps didn’t.
What if a group of humans someday advance along a separate branch from the rest of us and become some new advanced, mind reading, levitating primate?
I mean, we have to look at it this way; evolution is not finished. We’re not done evolving. We’re in no way perfect, and we’re adapting and changing all the time.
What if that’s what religious fundamentalism is really all about?
What if these ideas are a natural reaction from nature to retard evolution that’s occurring at such a rapid pace that it’s utterly terrifying to process?

There’s a strong movement in this country to deny that evolution is even real. There are literally millions of people behind it, and they believe that a supreme being created them just the way they are and that this is how they’re going to stay. Maybe this illogical thinking is just nature’s way of hedging it’s bets for the future. Maybe nature realizes that the next step that humans make in evolution might be a real fucking doozy, and it might not really work out that well, and just in case it wants to keep some copies of the original model.
When you see some fucking nut job like Sarah Palin in a youtube clip getting blessed against witchcraft, and you hear that she believes the world is only 6,000 years old, maybe that’s what she’s actually here for. Maybe people like her are here to make sure the original human model remains available as a separate species. Maybe instead of just evolving the entire genus nature decides that it might be a good idea to try it on small groups first.
Imagine how strange the future could be if that’s what’s really going on.
Maybe someday in the future our ancestors will be out time traveling and reading each other’s minds, and waiting for them patiently at home would be their pet fundamentalist Christian. I wonder if future people would judge you if you slept with it?