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Hell is for children.

There have been many times in my life, and lately with incredibly reoccurring frequency, that I have felt like life is really just a funny movie.

Not even really a movie, because movies have a very obvious beginning and end, but more like a grand show. An ongoing, subtle comedy put together to amuse those that are paying attention.

There are just some moments that are so ridiculous that they really make me feel like this entire thing is just one massive episode of “punked.”

Some really smart person once said “Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.” I don’t know who the author of that great quote was, but fuck, that’s one of my favorites.

The crazy thing is that life just keeps getting funnier and funnier all the time.

I remember when I was a small child, I had a very distinct idea that things would be getting better in time, that there was some sort of ongoing process where people were collectively getting their shit together and evolving as a group.

The Vietnam war ended when I was really young, and I remember very clearly thinking “This is good. Now people know that war is bad, and we won’t ever do that again.” I was learning as a young human being, and because of the fact that I was constantly making mistakes and learning from my mistakes, I thought that was the way everything worked.

How silly of me.

“They don’t want you saying “hell” anymore.”

That was one of the producers of “Fear Factor” delivering to me the word from up high on NBC that they were getting a lot of complaints from the bible bangers out in TV viewer-land about me saying “Let’s get the hell out of here” at the end of some stunts.

Now, when they first told me that I had to stop saying the word “hell,” I really thought it was just a joke. The producers of the show are a bunch of fun people to work with, and they kid around all the time, but I could tell after a few minutes of talking about it that they were actually serious.

“Wow.”

That’s all I could say. “Hell” is a bad word? I just couldn’t believe that the resistance to retarded influence is so weak that they’re willing to listen to the complaints of people that believe that the word “hell” is a bad thing to say.

Fucking fascinating.

The lowest possible rung of the bad word ladder that describes a fantasyland where the devil lives. That’s being censored… In 2006, with the internet and everything.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I think the only real solid progress people have made over the last 100 years or so in regards to religion is, that we don’t really bring up the devil anymore.

It’s OK to talk about god, but if you start bringing up the devil, most people are gonna think you’re nuts.

I mean sure, you can always get some devil talk on the religious programs if you go looking for it, but it’s pretty rare in your average urban/suburban environment for people to bring up “Satan” and be serious. (By the way, Microsoft word makes you capitalize “Satan”, and “Microsoft,” but it doesn’t make you capitalize “god,” which is, as my good friend Matty Kirsch would say “Hillllllllllllllllllllllllarious.”)

Think about it…the president can get on TV any night of the week and say, “I know that God is on our side,” and no one would bat an eye, and many people would actually gain comfort from this, but if he ever got on TV and said “We have received reports that Satan has been spotted in Saudi Arabia. We are currently tracking him by satellite, and moving troops into that area.” I think the collective sound of “whaaaaaaaaaat the fuuuuuuck?” echoed all across the country, and the confused murmurings thereafter could probably be heard in china.

People would start to talk. Not all people. Some people are so deep in the trance that there’s nothing that would wake them up, but I think a large percentage of the population would find that statement very disturbing.

Without a doubt there would be rallies calling for his removal from office. If he just brought it up once, it would be the subject of debate and late night monologues for months.

Those same people that had no problem whatsoever with him talking about God, would all of a sudden start to think he’s crazy.

Now why is that?

Because he’s bringing up the evil magical man not the good one? Oh, I get it.

That good one is for real. That guy exists. The evil one is just silly.

Gotcha.

Or is it that the bad one exists too, but you’re not supposed to talk about it? Sorta like candyman?

Politicians love to use the word god to sweeten up the image that you would get from the discussion of what would otherwise be an unsavory subject.

I remember when President Clinton was on TV and he addressed the nation admitting that Monica Lewinsky blew him, and he used “god” in one of the grossest ways possible.

He said that he was going to deal with it, but that the problem was now essentially between him, his family and “our god.”

BANG!

I’ll never forget when I heard him say it.

It just sounded so gross and fake. So completely contrived.

It has to go down as being one of worst delivered lines in the history of the fucking world. It’s right up there with Patrick Swayze in “Road House” saying, “Pain don’t hurt.”

Every fiber of my being recognized it as utter bullshit, but no one said a word.

No uproar at all. I don’t even remember ever hearing it brought up.

How do you think people would have reacted if instead Clinton said,

“My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I admit to you that Satan was in control of my penis. He forced me to use my penis in an unnatural act in the mouth of a young, impressionable girl that was really only reaching out for a daddy figure. I must work harder on defeating him in the future, and freeing myself from his evil influence.”

Straight face. No smile at all.

THAT would have fucking RULED. He could have said he was sorry, and made a goof out of the whole thing at the same time.

But of course he didn’t do it, because that would make a lot of people pissed off at him, and that’s the last thing that politicians want. They want everyone to like them, that’s why they became politicians in the first place. That’s certainly the case with Clinton.

He cares very much about what people think about him, and that’s probably the only thing that keeps him from going into the porn business.

I mean, you know he HAD to have thought about doing that at least once. The dude is a known pervert, and he’s smart, so he’s got to be aware that he doesn’t really have much more time left in this life. There had to be at least one drunken night with him and Gore sitting around getting shit faced after Bush won, where Clinton must have joked about it.

“Fuck it, man! The world is obviously going to shit, I might as well go out with a bang!

Come on Al, don’t be a fucking pussy! We can just let the first tape leak out there on that internet you invented! I’ll show those the people that I’m not just a slick speaker, but that I KNOW HOW TO FUCK!!!”

You could just see his expensive leather dress shoes slipping over hand woven carpet, a jack and coke on the rocks spilling on his pants as he air fucks in his den, yelling out, “Line ‘em up! I’m fixin’ to fuck these girls harder than Bush is gonna fuck the American people!”

Naw. Not yet. The world just isn’t ready for anything that cool yet.

I’ve had people get pissed at me for saying that I don’t believe in organized religion, and I’ve always found that hilarious.

I’ve never said that there’s no god, and I don’t even pretend that I’m smart enough, nor blessed with enough data to even begin to answer that question. You would never see me saying that there’s no god, because there’s no fucking way I could possibly know. One thing I do know though, is that people are tremendous liars even today with the all the access to information that we have now, can you imagine how full of shit they were 3,000 years ago

The crazy thing to me about religion is that to the people that are following religion, it is THE answer. Just follow the directions, and there you go. Life and death and all it’s meaning spelled out for you.

What’s really fascinating about that to me, is that it really outlines this insatiable need for the truth that we all seem to have. No matter what culture you’re from, no matter what part of the world, the people are asking questions about what the fuck this is all about, and everywhere that’s happening, there’s a set of directions that someone has created for you to follow. They’re all different, and they’re all convinced that they’ve got the real shit.

Isn’t that fact alone amazing?

They all have different stories, and they all have a different depiction of creation.

The point is, people have always been asking questions about the meaning of life, and the only way for their evolving minds to be able to relax with even a tiny fraction of the truth about the great mystery of life and the cosmos, is to let them know that the big daddy in the sky is going to make it all nice-nice. Keep pumping out those babies, keep showing up for work. Everything’s gonna be alright.

The fact that people all over the world have this need to believe in a higher power has actually even been offered up by believers as some sort of proof that god exists.

The fact that this need for a higher power exists in every culture doesn’t make me any more convinced that it’s real, but it does provide me with a theory.

My theory is that religion is a natural human program that our operating system runs, and that maybe it’s there for a purpose.

Maybe religion is like training wheels for evolution.

Maybe we’re in some weird adolescent stage of evolution, and our problem at this stage, is that as we’re evolving and becoming more intelligent, we’re becoming aware of some shit that we can’t quite handle. Maybe it’s a natural program to allow an aware, thinking species to survive through a shaky area of development.

Which if it is true, always leaves me with the same dilemma. If that really is the case, and we’re all just biological pieces moving towards some ultimate moment of concrescence, and this is just one of an infinite number of pit stops along the way, then what’s the fucking point of it all?

So, I was trying to think of how to end this little blog entry, when I get a call from my good friend Duncan Trussell, “Wanna come see me perform at a Satanic wedding?”

“When is it?”

“It’s June 6th. Get it? 6-6-6.”

“Fuck yeah. This I wanna see.”

duncan

My friend Duncan is a very talented comedian, and he’s got this bit in his act where he becomes possessed by his dead grandfather’s evil puppet. Stanton Lavey, the grandson of the famous Satanist Anton Lavey asked him to perform it at his unholy wedding.

I had to leave early because I was supposed to be on loveline that night, so I never actually got to witness the unholy vows, but I did get to watch Duncan perform, and I got to meet the lucky groom.

I’m sorry to report to you that he wasn’t even really evil. He’s just a dude with a Satan shtick getting married. They don’t even really worship Satan, it’s more of a goof than anything.

Or maybe that was just a clever trick to try to lure me into their fold so that they could steal my soul or something.

He did tell me that his grandfather fucked Marilyn Monroe, though. I thought that little tidbit alone makes him worth a mention and a picture.

stanton

Hail Satan, and I promise to try to post here more often now that we’re done filming Fear Factor.