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I’m down with Donny Osmond, so you best back the fuck off, bitch!!

me_and_donny

I did a pilot for the new version of the $100,000 pyramid today that Donny Osmond is hosting. It was actually a lot of fucking fun, and get this… the other celebrity that I was competing against was Jenny McCarthy! Now, if you’ve seen me live over the past year or so you may have seen me make fun of her in my act. I do a joke about how I heard her say that she was thinking about getting her breast implants removed, and that her taking her breast implants out is like Tiger Woods chopping his fucking arms off. Well I hate to say it, but she was actually very nice, and now I feel bad about doing that bit. Ughh. The humanity of it all.

I don’t think I’m gonna do it about her anymore, since there’s no way I’m gonna be able to come up with the same passion for the bit now that I know she’s actually nice. I was actually hoping that she had heard about it and would get pissed at me, but no such luck. I originally wrote it about Pamela Anderson anyway, and since famous actress type chicks are always talking about stupid shit like that I’m sure I’ll find a new target for it, but for now consider it at least temporarily retired.

I wanna thank Terry Rountree for creating that Republican seal, and Mike Badger for sending it to me. It’s kinda rare when you actually find out who created things like that and have a name to go with the work. It’s like "joke" jokes, ya know? The kind like: "Two guys walk into a bar…" nobody ever knows where the fuck those jokes come from. It’s really weird. I’ve been a stand-up comic for twelve years, and I’ve never ONCE met someone who wrote a "joke" joke. Someone must be fucking doing it though, because I get them all the time in email messages, and usually from people that are barely smart enough to read the jokes, never mind write them.

I’ve always wondered about the source for all those jokes that are out there. It’s really a bizarre cultural mystery. For the 13 people that actually ever watch it, I’m gonna be on the X-Show tomorrow night pimping my album. I think it’s on at 11pm on the FX channel. That has got to be one of the slowest fucking sites I’ve ever logged on to. I’m on a T-1 here and it’s still downloading. I guess the budget is tight over there at FX, and that site loads like it’s on someone’s AOL account being served by a 14.4 modem.

Jesus fucking Christ! It’s still not done loading!! That’s pretty weak.

Anyway, if you’re bored and you have nothing better to do, tune in tomorrow night and check it out. My buddy Gary Valentine is one of the hosts, so it should be fun.

On to Bathtub Girl and Dirty Girl…

They showed up at the Comedy Store a while back to come check out my act and meet me. They are both really nice young lasses and we had a great time hanging out talking about all sorts of fun shit like how weird it is to meet people in person that you’ve come in contact with through the net. One minute I see them in their undies dancing around in a bathtub, and the next we’re having a few cocktails together.

Now… we took quite a few pictures that I promised would never be published on my site, and that I’ve never shown to anyone. I promised them when we took them that I wouldn’t use them, and I’m a man of my word.

However, after the fact Dirty Girl’s Catholic guilt kicked in and she said she didn’t want me to use the pictures of her grabbing my crotch.

I think she means this one:

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Or maybe it’s this one:

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Not sure.

She had no problem with this picture of her shoving her tongue down Bathtub Girl’s throat,

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but apparently placing her hand on my crotch (which she did without any request or suggestion from me) is bad.

I don’t get it either.

Well I don’t want you to think that I posted these pics up here against her wishes, I called her and talked her into letting me post all of them except one. It was a beautiful picture of her and Bathtub Girl topless rubbing their naked breasts together. You couldn’t even see any nipple, it was just… pure art. *sigh*

I’m looking at it right now… her beautiful, curvaceous, Spanish body shimmering in the light from the Comedy Store ladies room. God how I wish I could show you all, you would cry tears of joy to behold such a site. But alas, I am a man of my word. They do this web cam show where they parade around in their panties and wash each other (which is quite sexy, and I recommend it highly) but when it comes to my site all of the sudden she’s shy.

Whatever.

As if you freaks that visit this place are gonna look at her in a negative light if she likes to grab some cock (cock underneath pants too, I might add) and shows a little ass every now and then. The female form is a magical thing to behold when the girl is as genetically blessed as Dirty Girl certainly is and if I was her I would be showing my ass every chance I got.

Maybe that’s why I’m not a chick.

Thank God for girls like Amber that will show you everything they have and love doing it.

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Literally and figuratively a gift to mankind.

Either way, it was a hell of a fun night topped off by seeing my friend Chuey Castro perform with his band at the House of Blues. Bathtub Girl and Dirty Girl are two wild Venice beach hotties, and someday in the future I’m gonna find the time to do a webcam show with them, and if you are ever fortunate enough to be invited to do so, I suggest you do the same!