In defense of Paris Hilton

I’ve only been upset at Paris Hilton once in my life, and it was pretty brief.
I was watching her little home porno video, and right in the middle of giving this young man a blowjob she actually stopped to answer her cell phone.
I got over it though, and I’ve never had a problem with her since. Hey, it wasn’t me she was being rude to, so what the fuck do I care? To a large percentage of the population though, it seems that hating Paris Hilton is a guilty pleasure bordering on a national obsession.

What’s the deal?
I understand that seeing her everywhere can be annoying, and that she’s got no discernable talent, and all that good shit… but I really don’t understand all the hate.
The day she got out of jail a friend of mine who is normally very rational and intelligent was actually angry. Really fucking pissed.
“Why the fuck should she get out of jail early? She gets home confinement in her fucking mansion? I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit!”

Meanwhile, across the world horrific drama goes on every minute of the day and gets relatively little attention. Bombs drop, and IED’s explode, people die…
Cool, fun loving people that will be sorely missed by their loved ones vanish from the earth every day, but on the news it’s marginalized to a number.
“13 US soldiers lost their lives in battle this weekend, making this one of the deadliest months on record.” Reduced to a number. A 1 in 13. A part of Monday’s update on the weekend’s action for those that went fishing and want to keep up on the count.
But Paris Hilton is BREAKING fucking news.

Even when they’re talking about other shit they’ve got a Paris Hilton update scrolling across the bottom of the screen. “Paris Hilton hasn’t eaten or slept in days!”
Larry King actually devoted at least two entire shows to Paris, and had people that were friends of Paris on.
He asked CRAZY questions, like “Is Paris down to earth?”
I was watching it and that was all I could think. Just “really?”
This whole scenario just seemed like a funny scene in a Judd Apatow movie or something. Just wow… how fucking weird are we?
This is what we care about most while we’re in the middle of this crazy modern day holy war?

I’ve actually heard a conservative talk show host say that if the media concentrated on each and every death and went into detail about it people would lose their taste for the war. He went on to say that the American people, especially the young just don’t understand the sacrifice it takes to keep this great land free.

Speaking of freedom… justice has been served, and it’s back to the slammer for Paris Hilton!

What… the… fuck.

They make fun of this young girl that they don’t even know with glee in their voice.
It’s the ultimate opportunity for people to be a hater. Everyone’s hating, come on in and join the fun!
Paris was at the MTV Movie Awards where Sarah Silverman was hosting, and the crowd’s response to her was nothing short of bizarre. Sarah had some fucking hilarious jokes that she wrote for it that I had seen her working out at the Improv earlier that week. Really funny shit.
But what was weird was that when she mentioned that Paris was going to jail, a huge part of the crowd started cheering. And kept cheering while they saw her on the big screen cringing in the audience.
It was a mass, group hating. It was a free shot, and a lot of people took it. Even people sitting close to her.
They clapped, and cheered, and looked right at her while they did it.

They showed a close up of her face, and you could see the pain and frustration in it. And for what? I really don’t fucking get it.
“She makes me sick because she’s a fucking attention whore, and she’s talentless.” Isn’t being that itself punishment alone? Why do you think that you keep hearing about these nutty Hollywood kids having breakdowns, and going to rehab?
It’s certainly not because they’re super duper happy. That existence itself is probably punishment alone.
The emptiness of it all, the hole that can never be filled… just living life day after day struggling to stay on the top of a big fucked up, fake mountain.
It probably does suck, but most importantly, why does it bother YOU?
I just really don’t understand it.

She’s committed no atrocities, hurt no one, ripped no one off, hasn’t profited off other people’s suffering… she’s just rich. Rich and young and she likes to party and she’s spoiled and she’s never had to work a day in her life.
Oh yeah, and she drove drunk too. Lord knows none of the people hating her have ever done that before and gotten away with it.

“She shouldn’t have been let out early!”
Maybe not, and I absolutely agree that drunk driving is some serious shit and it should be vigorously discouraged, and that jail is a viable punishment for people that can’t get their act together, but the ugly truth, is that the prison system is incredibly over crowded. People are getting out early for all kinds of things.
A buddy of mine just got locked up recently for growing weed. His sentence was somewhere around 90 days, and he did a total of 2. He’s at home now chilling with the same house arrest ankle bracelet deal that they gave to Paris.

I have friends that are cops, and the stories that they tell me about prison are fucking hair raising.
These guys are faced with an incredible amount of prisoners. I suspect that if they feel that you’re not a real danger to society, they would rather let you out and leave the scarier fucks inside. It makes sense to me. The whole prison system is incredibly insane, and I couldn’t imagine the stress that the people running it have to go through.
I personally have a tremendous respect for law enforcement.
I think they are greatly underappreciated. We hear stories about bad cops, but the truth is I’ve met way more cool cops in my life than I’ve met cool actors. A certain percentage of the people in ANY line of work are going to be douche bags, and cops are no exception, but I’ve personally never had a single problem with a cop ever, and it’s because I respect what they do, and I always convey that respect when I talk to them. It may sound like some suck up shit that I’m writing to get me out of my next speeding ticket, but that’s the truth, so help the sweet baby jeebus. There are some really fucked up people out there, and we need cops to keep these motherfuckers away from the rest of us. There’s always going to be a lot of people that should be either be locked away or killed, but in light of how fucked up and crowded the jails are, should there really be a priority in keeping Paris Hilton locked in a cage?

Is it just that some people need to get angry at something, and that she’s just an easy mark? That sort of makes sense.
Maybe instead of encouraging people to be less angry, which certainly has never worked before, maybe we should just help focus all their anger and help them to choose some more worthy targets?

You have a need to be pissed off? You wanna really get outraged? How about this crazy bitch that shot her fucking preacher husband in the back in his sleep with a shotgun, and only got sentenced to 210 days in the pokey.

She’s already been locked up for 5 months, so they’re saying that she may only get 60 more days in a mental hospital because of time served.
Well, that should be just about enough to cure her, right? I mean, she only shot her fucking husband in the back with a shotgun while he was sleeping. No biggie.
60 days should be plenty to cure her of that.
She said in her defense that her husband was abusive, and that he pressured her to wear a wig and large platform shoes during sex.

Well, good thing she shot him in his sleep! That motherfucker was getting out of hand!
A wig AND platform heels? Who the fuck does he think he is, David Lee Roth?

Haliburton was in the news for overcharging taxpayers something like 90 billion dollars and no one bats an eye. My same friend that freaked out about Paris Hilton heard about it on the news and didn’t even react.
The whistle blower in the Enron scam shot himself in the head, TWICE in what was ruled a “suicide,” and no one flinches.
No two Larry King shows. No Nothing.
And it goes on, and on, and on…

“That little rich cunt!”

Every day sons, brothers, and friends come home dead in boxes from a fucked up war in a foreign land, and the only people that freak out are the ones that know them.
It’s gotten so bad that the media are actually forbidden from taking pictures of the flag draped coffins as they’re being shipped stateside, but the cameras never stop taking pictures of the crying little rich girl in the back of the police car.

And please, don’t get me wrong… I’m not immune to the fascination. I watch it like all the other little monkeys.
I tell my self that I’m just a fascinated observer of the culture, and that as a comic paying attention to this shit is part of my job, but there’s no denying that I’m curious. While I was working on my computer I refreshed every 20 minutes with genuine curiosity.
It wasn’t really just because I’m a comedian, I would have done the same thing if I was a plumber. I’m enjoying the drama for some weird reason. I just don’t get the hate.

There’s plenty of really fucked up shit to hate.
War isn’t your thing? Well, how about this? This is probably one of the craziest jail stories ever – There’s a kid from Georgia that was doing 10 fucking years in a cage, because when he was 17 a girl who was 15 at the time gave him a blowjob on video.
Because he’s technically an adult, it was child molestation, and it carries a mandatory sentence. Now in my opinion, ANYONE that thinks that’s fair is a fucking inhuman monster. That’s a KID –a child with a boner. Bill fucking Clinton, an oxford scholar in his 50’s and the former president of the United Fucking States of America couldn’t turn down the forbidden blowjob, and people think this 17-year-old pro wrestling fan from Georgia should posses the wisdom to avoid it? That’s fucking INSANE.
No one thinks that’s fair, but they have to do it that way, because that’s the rule as it’s written down on paper somewhere. THAT is fucking crazy.
Where’s the outrage? Where’s the “Breaking News?”

I think in our heart of hearts we all know that by age 15 most kids are already fucking the shit out of each other.
I know people with their cute, young daughters don’t really want to think about it that way, but the truth is that humans are just little animals, and we start humping as soon as the word gets out about it.
And in this culture, that’s pretty gosh darned quick.
That might actually be the only way we can stop the cattle industry from putting hormones in the beef. If we could prove in a study that the hormones in the beef are making their young daughters suck cock at a younger and younger age every year.
I wonder if Larry King would have a show about that?
Would he have two?
There’s plenty of shit to be pissed about, People. Paris Hilton ain’t one of them.