In the middle of an unusual life…
I’m 34 years old right now, and if you follow the average age that the American male dies of "natural" causes, I’m probably about half way there.
I know people like to kid themselves, and when we see a 55 year old man driving around in a Corvette, the first thing that comes to mind is "mid-life crisis." Well, the reality is, that dude is much closer to death than the middle. I mean really, how many men do you know that die at 110? You see the white hair and the saggy skin around his face? That fucking dude is dying.
And come to think of it, if you take into account the average lifespan of the American Foul Mouthed Comedian, I’m probably much closer to death than the middle as well.
I take care of my body, I work out, and take vitamins and minerals, but really the only reason I do it is to have a more powerful, healthy body so that it gives me less problems and feels better. Will it make me live longer? Possibly, but it’s so easy to imagine a death before bodily failure due to old age, that I really think the odds are it’s not going to come into play.
It’s such a weird thing, the concept of dying. It’s inevitable, but we all run from it and fear it. I’m sitting here typing this shit, knowing full well that I’m in a temporary state. What happens next is really anyone’s guess, but the bottom line is, this ain’t gonna last.
It’s always been an important part of my personal philosophy to remind myself of that whenever possible, and it’s the reason I named my album "I’m gonna be dead someday."
I don’t want to be taking my last gasps of life thinking anything but "Damn, that was a lot of fucking fun! Let’s see what’s next!"
Really, what is there in life but fun? What else is really important?
Why, there’s responsibility! There’s family and loved ones!
Well, in my experience most responsibilities are really just financial in nature.
If you had all the money you could ever want or need, you would just hire someone to take care of most of that shit. Really what responsibilities are, is just something that you have to do to clear away time to have fun. There’s always going to be the responsibility of helping out loved ones in need, but really what you’re doing there is helping them clear away shit they need to deal with, so that they can have fun. So the real bottom line is getting to the fun with as little bullshit as possible.
Family? That’s a tricky one.
When your family is cool, it’s very nice.
I’m very fortunate, in that I’m very close to my family, and that they’re all very cool.
When we get together there’s never any drama, and always a lot of laughs. It’s never something I dread, and always something I look forward to. But you know what? If it sucked, I would cut them off like cancer.
I can’t even count the number of times when I’ve heard stories from friends about their fucked up families and all the bullshit they have to deal with when they go see them, and when you ask them why they put up with it, what do they always say? "It’s my family, and I have to deal with it."
I say the same thing every time: "Fuck that shit."
Family is just a bunch of people living together, and just because some asshole decided to shoot a load into the woman that gave birth to you, it doesn’t mean he gets to own you, and fuck with your life until he’s dead. Just because you share genetics with someone, it doesn’t mean they HAVE to be in your life.
I know so many people that tolerate things shit from their "family" that they would never let their friends get away with, and you know what? Your family would never treat their friends that way either, because their friends would leave them. You see, that’s the beauty of torturing the family; they’re not supposed to leave. You can yell at them, tell them they’re ruining and wasting their lives, say mean personal shit that you know will cut deep… and come Thanksgiving, those dumb motherfuckers will show up again, willingly.
They’ll know it’s gonna suck, but they’ll show up anyway. They have to, it’s "family."
Do you have any idea how fucking dumb that is?
Life is to be lived. It’s to be enjoyed and to be laughed at, and anyone or anything that gets in the way of that should be removed. I don’t care if that means a creepy uncle, or a shitty job, the only way to happiness is to remove yourself from things you don’t like and go after the things you do.
I realize that I’m very fortunate to have the life I have. I’m very fortunate that I support myself by doing something that I truly love to do. I’m a lucky man, and I live a very unusual life.
In acknowledgement of that, and to honor this unusual life that I’m blessed with, I try to live in the moment as much as humanly possible, to speak my mind as honestly as possible, regardless of how other people are going to react to it, and have a fucking shitload of fun in the process.
Obviously some of that gets in the way of updating this website, and for that I apologize.
It’s been a crazy couple of months, so let me catch everyone up to speed…
Vegas with the Stern show…
One of the highlights of my comedy career, without a doubt, has been my appearances on the Howard Stern show. I can still remember the first time he started playing some of my bits on the radio. I was driving home from the airport and checking my voice mail. One of the messages was from my friend Eddie: "Dude! Howard Stern was playing your shit this morning!! The bit about the two in the closet gay dudes working out together! He was laughing his ass off!!"
I can remember just sitting there staring at the phone. "WOW."
I said it out loud, and that’s exactly what I was thinking: "Wow… It’s on." By "It’s on" I mean I really felt like shit was happening. To me, that was one of the most important career milestones as a comic.
In past generations there was The Tonight Show, but today there’s only two: The Howard Stern Show, and HBO. That’s it. Nobody really gives a shit about the tonight show anymore, because everyone knows how censored it is, and how few topics you can talk about, and the flat out fact that many of the comics that appear on there fucking suck. It just doesn’t mean much anymore. Letterman? It’s a little better, but it’s still network TV, so it’s still the same shit with censors, and the same lack of quality comics.
But the Howard Stern Show?
That’s the top of the food chain.
Nobody that sucks gets on that show, and if you do suck, he and his crew are going to be brutally honest about it.
In fact, they’re going to be brutally honest about everything, and that alone has completely changed the way the public perceives celebrities. Before Howard Stern people that interviewed celebrities almost always asked easy questions, and never called them on their shit. What does Howard do instead? He sends stuttering John after them, and has him ask the rudest, most inappropriate shit you can possibly imagine. And he’ll do this to ANYONE. Anyone at all that takes themselves too seriously. He TOTALLY doesn’t give a fuck. Rock stars, movie stars, politicians, you name it. No one is off limits, and nothing is sacred. Some of the funniest shit I’ve ever heard on radio in my entire life has been stuttering John playing back tapes he made of him upsetting people and Howard and Robin goofing on it. Before Howard, that shit was unheard of.
And if the celebrity is in the studio? Even better.
If you’re honest, and you’re funny you’ll love being on the show, and love to come back, but if you’re full of shit and take yourself too seriously, it’s gonna get ugly.
One of the best parts about the show, is that they turn the same powers of perception on each other, and laugh at the results. No one is above being goofed on, and everyone laughs at his or her own faults and weaknesses. Howard Stern literally, and single handedly has changed the entire face of show business.
Love him or hate him, that’s a fucking fact, and it’s an honor for me to be on his show.
The live radio show we did in Vegas was one of the most insane live events I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness. Just the sheer enthusiasm the fans have for Howard is something that has to be seen to be fully appreciated. When he walked through the crowd on the way to the microphone the place would completely fucking erupt, and his opening "Hey now!" would cause screaming and fists to be thrust into the air.
It’s literally like something out of a movie.
Packed into the audience was every kind of fucking freak imaginable, from low level prostitutes to top level porn stars, to Joey Buttafuco and Gary the retard.
When we got there before the show the Hard Rock had the pool set up for a beach party, complete with heat lamps, a big plastic tent to keep in the warmth and the hottest strippers in Vegas. The shows were insane, and I think I slept 4 hours in 3 days.
Good times, good times…
Next up, Columbus…
The next stop on my tour was Columbus, Ohio. Now when I think of Ohio, or any other state that’s basically in the middle of nowhere, me being the prejudiced yankee asshole that I am, I usually assume it’s going to be filled with pale, dumb people. Well, for the most part, I was right.
There was plenty of pale dummies, but what was surprising is that there was also a pretty large supply of cool people. I’ve actually made friends with a few of them, and they post on my messageboard regularly.
In fact Mandirt actually has a section of his site with 6 pages dedicated to brilliantly fucked up pictures of my head that he has digitally attached to everything from a screaming baby to Hitler.
(You have to register to view the pictures, but it’s well worth it)
Redban, on the other hand, has a whole obviously fake Joe Rogan site; complete with e-mails he gets from dopes that actually think it’s me, and the hysterical replies he sends them.
Of course those of you who’ve read this site for a while know that Rancid Turtle has written a few articles that I’ve posted right here on the front page.
It’s very flattering to me that such cool and talented dudes have chosen to invest their time and energy doing something that’s connected to me.
It’s really kinda freaks me out when I think about it, and I’m honored that they feel I’m worthy of such attention.
One of the messageboard maniacs, Browntown Johnny, actually flew up from Philly, by himself just to catch the shows and hang with the other guys from the board. I had met him once before in Jersey, but he didn’t know any of these guys other than the posting on the board. Everyone was posting about getting together in Ohio to tear up the town, and it sounded like so much fun to Browntown, that he just decided to say "Fuck it" and buy a plane ticket.
Take a lesson from Browntown Johnny, folks, if you want to have fun in life, sometimes you just gotta say "Fuck it" and do something crazy.
The shows in Columbus were all sold out, and the crowds were fantastic. It was a killer weekend overall, filled with laughs, booze, and strip clubs, and it was capped off by a very entertaining brawl between a group of wiggers at 2 am in the local Steak and Shake diner.
It was actually quite entertaining. What happened was, one of the local pale dummies who desperately wanted to be black, was trying to show the other local pale dummies that he was, in his own words "A nigga that doesn’t give a fuck." There was a lot of screaming and a few slaps and punches, a shattered window, and a visit by the local coppers.
Definitely some solid, 2 am, eating shitty food while drunk drama, especially since nobody got shot.
More good times…
Next up, the UFC in Vegas!