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“I’ve been everywhere, man…”

One of my favorite songs – especially when I’m on the road, is the great Johnny Cash song “I’ve been everywhere.”
I’ve got a little routine I do when I land in a city; as soon as the plane lands I load that fucker up on the ipod, say thank you and good-bye to the flight attendants, then I press play and let Johnny roll. It’s the perfect mood setter and it never fails to get me excited about the weekend ahead.
I’ve been doing a ton of road work lately, traveling all over this great land of ours doing stand up, and having a fantastic time doing it.
Nashville, Vancouver, Sacramento, Atlanta, Dallas – (all rattling off in my head in Johnny’s voice, “I’ve been everywhere, man, I’ve been everywhere…”)
The list goes on and on, with great memories of great shows and great crowds at every stop.

Fear Factor was a terrific job, and I certainly feel very fortunate for having had that gig, but man, I can’t even describe how much happier I am traveling and doing stand up.
I’ve been doing comedy for almost 19 years now, and the more I do it, the more I love it.

There’s some very strange thing that happens when I’m performing, and I’m not exactly sure if I understand it. I can recognize patterns and waves in it, but I’m often just as much of a passenger on the ride as anyone watching it in the audience.
It’s like “my act” is this living, vibrant thing that I activate when I perform, and the more I perform, the stronger and the healthier and the more powerful it gets.
One of the least expected and least understood aspects of performing stand up, at least for me, is that the better I get at it the less I feel of it as “mine” or “me,” and the more I feel like I’m just some sort of an antennae tuning it in and performing the show.
It’s a very weird feeling, and it’s very hard to describe – like a strange balancing act of consciousness in my mind; be present in the moment, but don’t think about how crazy it all is. Enjoy it, but don’t dwell on how great it is or you’ll lose the feeling – ride the wave.

After the show is over, I go over the recordings and sit down and try to write out my new ideas and expand and enhance them. Until my next show, my act stays alive in my head and in my laptop.

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With all this traveling that I do I feel like I’m getting a very, very unusual view of the world we live in. I spent a lot of time living in LA staying here while I was filming Fear Factor, and only going on the road once a month or so during the off season, but lately it seems like almost every week I’m in a different place, with a completely different vibe, and I’m really starting to feel the effects of it.
It’s like the more I travel, and the more I see, the more I feel like a different view of the world, and humans in general is coming into focus for me. It’s sort of like having just a couple pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle solved, so you decide to only look at the small area that you have put together, and proclaim that as the image. Then slowly you start to put together new areas far away from the other area, and the more often this happens the more the idea of what the puzzle really is changes.

One of the things that’s really odd about seeing people in so many different places is how many people in each area follow whatever the local pattern of behavior is, especially the accents.
Going from Belfast, Northern Ireland to Atlanta was a trip. It’s hard to believe that they’re both speaking the same language.
And it’s not just how they talk that’s similar in each area, but what they like and what’s important in their life.
For instance, I don’t think I’ve ever seen as many churches or bible billboards in one location as I did in Georgia. They just LOVE the baby Jesus down there in Hotlanta.
And I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many cokeheads in one place as I did hanging out at night in Phoenix. Now, coke is one of the drugs I’ve never actually done, so it took me a while to figure out what the fuck was going on there. I probably wouldn’t have noticed how prevalent it is at all if my friend Brian hadn’t clued me in to what was happening.
I just thought everyone was really talkative and excited.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not saying that everyone in Phoenix does coke, or that it’s a bad town, because it’s actually one of my favorite cities to perform in. I’m just being honest about what I saw going to clubs out there. Apparently (according to a buddy of mine that’s a cop) Phoenix is in the middle of some sort of pipeline that brings coke up from Mexico, and a ton of it goes through the city. Literally.
I can vividly remember one night where it felt like I was trapped in a cocaine version the movie “blade.”
Def Leopard’s “pour some sugar on me” was playing in this club, and the unnaturally enthusiastic locals threw their hands up in the air and cheered out the words like they were waiting for a combination of blood and coke to come spraying down from the fire extinguishers.

Now, if I had to choose between hanging out with someone who is fucked up on coke, or someone who is fucked up on the baby Jesus… well, that’s a tough call.
The one thing you DEFINITELY want to avoid though, is a cokehead that’s also a Jesus freak. That, my friends, is a one two combo that can very easily lead to an opening segment on the evening news.
The problem I’ve always had with people that are doing coke is that their ego gets out of control, and they can tend to get violent.
And if you know someone that’s a coke head, and then all of a sudden they start text messaging you bible quotes – I’d say that’s a pretty good time to get the fuck outta town.

Now, I can understand how a lot of people that live in a certain area can act and think in a similar manner. It’s totally natural. We’re sort of designed to play follow the leader.
What I don’t understand is when they try to turn their particular way of thinking and acting into LAW, and they try to enforce these rules of behavior inside invisible lines in the dirt.
The whole concept of borders is really fucking bizarre when you think about it. Country to country laws is a little more understandable, but the variations from state to state just always seem completely ridiculous to me.
One of the things I like to do as a goof whenever I go to a new place, is go on the internet and find out what kind of weird, fucked up laws that state has. A couple weeks ago I was headed to Georgia, and I just fucking KNEW they must have some doozies. I mean, it is the Bible belt after all.
Well, I wasn’t disappointed.
Turns out that Georgia has some of those really cool, old school “sodomy” laws!
Now, if you’re only casually familiar with sodomy laws, you might get all confused and think that those are just laws passed to keep gay guys from banging each other in the ass.

No, no, no! Sodomy laws are actually laws, real fucking laws that get argued in court that are based on some crazy, biblical, fire and brimstone shit!
The definition of sodomy, as it appears on the books is this:

(a) A person commits the offense of sodomy when he or she performs or submits to any sexual act involving the sex organs of one person and the mouth or anus of another. A person commits the offense of aggravated sodomy when he or she commits sodomy with force and against the will of the other person. The fact that the person allegedly sodomized is the spouse of a defendant shall not be a defense to a charge of aggravated sodomy.

How fucking great is that?
The definition of “Sodomy” actually includes blowjobs and eating pussy!! And it’s illegal, even if you’re doing it to your lawfully wedded wife!!
See, it’s actually from the Bible™! It’s a real law that exists in 2007 based on a story written way back when they thought that the world was flat and the sun was 17 miles away about Sodom and Gomorrah where God decided to fuck everyone up with fire raining from the sky, because apparently too many people were getting head, and it was really pissing him off.

The actual punishment is listed here:

(b) A person convicted of the offense of sodomy shall be punished by imprisonment for not less than one nor more than 20 years. A person convicted of the offense of aggravated sodomy shall be punished by imprisonment for life or by imprisonment for not less than ten nor more than 20 years. Any person convicted under this Code section of the offense of aggravated sodomy shall, in addition, be subject to the sentencing and punishment provisions of Code Sections 17-10-6.1 and 17-10-7.

Lick your wife’s pussy, do ten years in a cage.
That seems fair enough.
Well, at least Georgia’s got great weather, nice people, and awesome Barbecue!

What I really want to know is who the hell was trying to make laws to stop blowjobs?
How did that even come up?
I mean was there actually a bunch of dudes sitting around talking about what they should put people in jail for?

“We’ve got to do something about this KKK problem we have!”

“That can wait!! First we need to put a stop to all this dick sucking!!”

Whenever I see someone all confused like that – like some young conservative guy on TV arguing against gay marriage while he’s wearing a bow tie – I always think that the poor dude probably just had no one cool to hang out with. Either that or he’s gay.
Or both.
That’s really the problem- not the gays, but that people growing up heading into politics and passing those goofy laws just had no one cool to hang out with. At least that’s my theory.
I think that’s why there are less of those goofy laws here in California.

And for those people out there hating on California – please put it to rest.
Forget all the bullshit you hear about people being dumb or fake, (all true) all you need to know is that it’s 80 degrees and sunny year round, the women are ridiculously hot, you can get state legal medical marijuana in over 500 different locations, and the Terminator is the fucking governor.
This state fucking RULES.
Sure there are some idiots here, but there’s idiots everywhere. No getting away from them.
What California does have going for it though, is that most of the people that live here moved here because wherever they used to live sucked.

I’m pretty sure they’re not regularly enforcing these crazy laws that some of these states have, but it’s not like they’re in a rush to wipe them off the books, either.
There’s sooo many weird state laws out there, especially when it comes to sex.
For instance:
You can’t have sex with a 16 year old girl in Boston, but you can always take her on a trip to New Hampshire where it’s totally legal.

“I heard about a place that has the BEST ice cream, and it’s only an hour drive away!”

The age of consent in New Hampshire is 16, but if you want to try any of that homo stuff, you have to be at least 18 or they’ll lock you up.
I’m pretty sure I was a lot smarter if I was a sober 13 than a drunk 21. Maybe they should take that into account up there too since they have a liquor store just about every 20 yards.
When I was a kid, Boston had those retarded colonial age “blue laws,” where liquor stores were not allowed to sell you booze on Sunday, so people often drove up to New Hampshire to buy booze. It was a regular event. We actually had people that made laws forcing you to observe religious days, and to not allow folks to earn money selling perfectly legal booze on “the Lord’s day.”
Sort of like our own little Taliban.

What if say, you’re of a universal, rationally acceptable age to be having sex with a 16 year old girl (so it doesn’t make this idea too gross); like say 17 or 18 – and what if you’re RIGHT on the legal side of the border in New Hampshire, and while you’re in the throws of passion your feet and ankles manage to slip over the border into Massachusetts?
Just how thick is that border anyway?
Is there a neutral gray area in between states? Maybe we should try that out.

How about a one-mile strip in between states where you could do whatever the fuck you want.
Carry a handgun, get a hooker, eat magic mushrooms, run around naked and piss in the street screaming into a megaphone that you’re going to kill the president and fuck his lifeless face – anything you want to do, as long as it doesn’t actually hurt anyone.
We can just have a few common sense and decency laws.

There would be a big sign when you enter:

“You are now entering a “gray area” of limited laws. You must be 18 or over to enter this area.
The rules are:

No murder.

No rape.

No thievery.

No drunk driving, and you can’t fuck kids.

Good luck, be careful, and have fun.”

How fucking cool would that be?

One mile of casinos, 24 hour liquor stores, whore houses and night clubs that only close for a couple hours to clean up.
And when we catch people in that area that are just useless douchebags, we can all pass a vote on it and kill them.
To the person that lacks the proper vision that can seem barbaric, but really that’s just the right and civilized way to deal with some people that are beyond hope. It’s not like there’s some shortage of people, and leaving them locked up in a cage until their heart stops beating isn’t really doing them any favors. I’m not talking about doing this for normal illegal shit – just for stuff like murderers, rapists and kid fuckers.

I believe that there are certain people that deserve a second chance.
I believe that many people evolve over time. I personally have certainly evolved in my own life, and I certainly do think that some people can change, and learn, and grow, but I think it really all depends in where they’re starting from, and how much time they’ve been alive. There are some people that are just completely beyond hope, and we really just need to kill them off, the same way we kill off bad dogs.
When someone’s pitbull eats the mailman’s dick, no one thinks “Well, I guess we need to train that little fella and teach him to stop doing that.” No, you’re like, “Shit, I need to kill that fucking crazy dog.”
That’s the way it should be for people, too. You catch a grown man fucking a 10 year old boy, you’re not supposed to lock him up and give him therapy… you’re supposed to gun him down in a crowded arena and stream the whole event live on the internet.
Maybe he’ll come back as a beautiful sparrow and start all over again, but in this life… you fucked the catcher of the little league team, and you gotta go.
It’s not like if we didn’t kill the creep he’s going to live forever and cure cancer.
He’s gonna die anyway, just like you and me. We’re just pushing him to the front of the line to make this dimension a little more habitable for nice folks.
I mean, realistically thinking, what are the odds that guy is ever going to get his shit together?
What are they, a billion to one? Is it a lot more than a billion?
If you could bet on that shit in Vegas, the odds would be ASTRONOMICAL.

The bet is this: there’s a guy that’s 36 years old, he lives with his mom, and he just got arrested and convicted of fucking a 10 year old trick-or-treater who was dressed up like a pumpkin in exchange for 10 boxes of chocolates. Will he ever get his shit together and become a productive member society before he dies?
Yes or No?
No bookie in the world would take that bet. You would have to bet like a hundred billion dollars to win a penny.

And really the guy would probably be happy if you killed him. He’s probably miserable every second that he’s alive.
Look at it like this; it’s sort of like when you’re playing someone in a video game and the score is like 200 to -1, and there’s only 2 minutes left in the game. There’s not much motivation to play when there’s no way you’re gonna catch up and end that game a winner.
It’s the same thing for the game of life, my friends. Some people just need a do over.

Anyway… more travel this weekend with the fabulous city of San Francisco and Cobbs comedy club on the menu! I’ll be there this Thursday night through Sunday night.
I know I’ve been slacking on the blog updates, but it’s really not because I haven’t been writing, it’s because it takes forever to chop one of these fucking meandering things that springs forth from my keyboard and translate it into something cohesive.
I think in the future I’m going to try for much smaller but much more frequent updates.
Please feel free to give me shit if I don’t fulfill that statement.
I usually appreciate the encouragement, and certainly all the emails I get from people that enjoy the blogs and wish they were more frequent.
I’ve got some big plans for the internet in the next few weeks, so please check back often.
If you would, please sign up for my mailing list too. I’m trying to get that shit organized this week.