Making Friends…

Dumb people should not go to see comedy.

There, I said it.

It’s hard enough getting across ideas and thoughts to smart people, but when the audience is full of dum dums it makes it really fucking difficult sometimes. I had one such incident recently at the Comedy Store in LA.

What happened was I did a few bits that this angry bitch in the front row didn’t like, so she started talking to me in the middle of my Anna Nicole Smith bit. It was distracting, but I ignored her and concentrated on the bit and the rest of the audience that was laughing. When I was done with the routine I asked her what the fuck was going on and why she was talking to me and she told me I wasn’t funny, threw a napkin at me and told me to get the fuck off the stage. Needless to say… I fucking tortured her, reamed her a new asshole, humiliated her and her date, and then after I was done with that I had her removed from the club.

Now THAT woman learned her lesson and probably hasn’t slept since, but another dum dum in the audience was there, and apparently I upset her as well. So much so that she decided to right the wrongs she witnessed that night by sitting in front of her computer and pecking away an angry letter to the Comedy Store.

Tonight the manager of the club, a bunch of comics and I sat around and read it, and we laughed so hard I decided it had to go up here. So, here it is in the piss yellow text, misspelled words and shitty grammar intact. (along with some comments by me, of course)

October 25,2000 8433 Sunset Blvd. Hollywood, CA 90069

Attn: Robert Davies

Dear Mr. Davies:

I am typing this letter to voice my opinion of one of the comedian’s that was in your line up on Saturday night the 21st of October. I came up to Orange County, from San Diego, to visit a good friend. I was celebrating my birthday. My friend decided to take me out to a nice restaurant in Los Angeles and then to the Comedy store. We were originally going to go to the Laugh factory, but then my friend realized that the comedy store was the place that she had intended to go, so we went to the comedy store. I explained to her that after being a frequent attendee of comedy stores, I had a bad experience and I had not been to a comedy store in a few years, but I decided to give it another try.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that there were several comedians in the line up. The first couple of comedians were pretty funny and then we got to Heath Hyche. He was extremely funny and then came Beaumont Bacon. She had us laughing hysterically. Just when I was beginning to restore my confidence in comedy clubs Joe Rogan came on. His jokes consisted of making fun of Christopher Reeves. I am sorry but I do not see the humor in making fun of a man that has been paralyzed by a very tragic accident.

Well, lucky for you I didn’t do my bit on Princess Di, because I think sometimes it’s even funnier when dumb people get killed in tragic accidents. The humor, and the actual joke itself isn’t that it’s funny that a guy got paralyzed. The bit, and what I was commenting on in the bit, is that what he did is a really dumb way to get hurt: getting a horse to jump over shit for your amusement. And the funny part is that horses in the wild when they come up to a large pile of logs, they…GO AROUND.

Someone doing a dumb thing and getting hurt isn’t a tragedy, it’s just dumb. As bad as you feel for the person that got hurt (and believe me I do feel bad for him) It’s still just a dumb thing to do, not a tragedy. Little kids dying of leukemia - THAT’S a tragedy. "Who’s the boss" was on for 8 fucking years… THAT’S a fucking tragedy.

When the crowd sighed he began to try and prove that his joke was funny and how he did not feel a bit sorry for this stupid man. You would think that he would of got the hint after no laughs

(Not true. Although they did groan initially, as much as she hated to hear it, I got a pretty big laugh when I acted out the horse galloping up to the logs, pausing and then using better judgment and deciding to go around)

and loud sighs, to change his content but then he even made it worse by trying to make a joke about Jesus being reincarnated as a down syndrome baby.

*Sigh*… Misquoted again. I do however like the fact that she wasn’t even paying attention to the bit, and chose to hear "reincarnated" instead of "cloned", which is what I said. What the bit is about is These dopes here that are trying to clone Jesus. It’s an actual group in New York called the "Second Coming Project" that thinks that if they clone Jesus it would bring world about peace.

Now… first of all, if you clone Jesus (even if it WAS possible, and even if Jesus ever really DID exist) … that’s not Jesus. It’s a clone.

That’s it. It’s some tissue, and blood, and cells dividing. It doesn’t have Jesus’ soul, and it’s not him. Chances are that even if you were successful (and the chances of that are slim to none), you wouldn’t get the all-knowing son of God and all his glory, you would just get another clueless human being. Just like the rest of us.

It’s like if you cloned Ginger Lynn, she probably wouldn’t have the same dick sucking skills that the great one has, you follow me? These are gifts from God were talking about, people!

Second of all… in order to clone someone you have to have perfectly scientifically preserved DNA, otherwise you could run into complications. Like… he could come out retarded.

Now, what I think is funny isn’t retarded babies, or Jesus, it’s a bunch of dopes resting the hopes of the world on a scientific abomination.

And them sticking to it as their savior even though the experiment went horribly wrong. THAT is funny, and if you don’t think so, YOU’RE WRONG.

Who does this idiot think he is??

(Joe Rogan, my name was on the big marquee out front, weren’t you paying attention?)

I am sorry but I found this comedian to be dispicable. When one lady in the crowd expressed, by a hand guesture, her feelings about this so called comedian he began to curse at her and relentlessly humiliate her. This was completely intolerable!

Again, not true. There’s a big difference between a hand gesture and throwing something at a performer and telling him he sucks and to get off the stage. THAT is intolerable, and THAT is why I didn’t tolerate it. Up until that I hadn’t said a word to her, I just did my act. It was just MY IDEAS, and I was expressing them to an audience. THAT is my JOB. That’s how stand up works, that is the deal. I don’t ask your opinion of my thoughts because it’s not what I’m there for. You want to express yourself? Open mic night is on Sunday, go sign up like all the other assholes. If you don’t think it’s funny, that’s fine with me, but it’s not your place to express your opinions. She completely disrespected the relationship between the performer and the audience and she did it at a terrible point in my set for her, because I was doing the Anna Nicole Smith bit and it was getting big laughs, so the crowd (for the most part) was on my side.

You see, dum dums have a problem grasping this concept, but everyone’s opinion of comedy is different, just like everyone’s mind works differently. Comedy is a strange thing, and it’s really not like any other art form in that it’s very specialized and varied in it’s content, but generic in it’s title. You would never go to a club just to see "Live music," you would go to a jazz club to see jazz, a blues club to see blues, etc. But when you go to see "standup comedy," if you don’t know the performers material, you really don’t have any idea what you’re gonna get. You might get Barbara Striesand, or you might get Rage Against The Machine. Now anyone going to a Rage Against the Machine concert and telling them to stop what they’re saying, should and would get the fucking shit kicked out of them.

She got off light as far as I’m concerned.

Then after continuing to belittle this lady, as she sat silently, he insisted that she be removed from the audience and she was. I find this completely unacceptable!

Again, not true. That dumb bitch kept battling it out with me the whole way, only the problem was that she’s a fucking idiot, I’m smart, and I had the mic. So although she was in there swinging, she took a vicious verbal beating. She NEVER shut the fuck up, and she was stuttering and yapping at me in some sort of drooling ebonics the whole time. Even as I was laughing at her as she was being kicked out of the club by security, this stupid cunt was insisting she wasn’t leaving and that she was going to be sitting in the back of the room. What’s really important that I told her, and the rest of the audience when I was talking about her, was that no nice person heckles and says shitty things to you. She is a mean, unsuccessful, and unhappy person that was trying to get their rocks off by being shitty to someone, and people like that should be squashed publicly.

Whether you like someone’s material or not there’s a big step in the wrong direction from not laughing and yelling out insults. Regardless what the dummy writing this letter says, she and everyone else in the room that night learned a lesson about being mean to the wrong person.

Oh, and by the way the dopey cunt’s credit card was no good so the club and the waitress were gonna get fucked out of the bill. I wound up paying it because the waitress is my friend.

I should have taken more action at the time but I was so angry and so disgusted by this man that my girifriend and I decided to leave. I don’t think in any way should this lady have been removed from the crowd. This comedian should have been asked to leave the stage. We pay money to have an entertaining evening not to hear some idiot get up there and be a complete jerk. He was one of the most revolting, disgusting, arrogant, forms of a human being that I have ever met. f could think of many more words to describe him but I would not want to lower myself to this persons standards. I don’t think I could get that low if I tried. I hope you forward this to him. Once again, my faith in comedy stores has been lowered and I am sure others in the audience feel the same. I would hope that you would not have Joe Rogan perform at your club again because he gives the real comedians a bad name. I would have had a completely enjoyable evening if he had not stepped foot on the stage. I believe it is your responsibilty to screen your performers before they are allowed to perform in public.

If I attend a comedy store again I will react differently and you can bet I will not sit quietly in the crowd and let some idiot abuse another person, as your performer did. I will stand up and fight back! I will also insist on a refund and I will take it even further if I have to. i may even take it further now. If I was the lady that was removed I would probably consider filing a law suit.

Hey even better yet maybe I’ll go on Oprah Winfrey and tell the whole world about your little comedian and how your store treated it’s customers. Maybe that would get someone’s attention. Better yet maybe I will call 20/20! Not a bad idea!!

I would LOVE to hear that phone call:

"Hello 20/20, boy do I have news for you! Yeah, I know there’s impending war in the middle east, and a jet took of in the middle of a typhoon in Taiwan and killed 81 people, and one of the dumbest people to ever run for ANY office is dangerously close to being elected President, but I was at the Comedy Store last week, and Joe Rogan was really mean to a heckler!! … *click*… Hello?… "

Yes, it was that bad!! Hopefully you will be a wise businessman and be a little more careful in choosing your comedians and in how you treat your customers in the future. I believe that would be in the best interest of your customers, your other comedians, and your business. I am also asking for a response from you as to how this situation has been handled. I would like to know what action you are taking to rectify this problem. Most of all i hope my feelings are taken into consideration and forwarded to this comedian. I also think ,at the least, the woman that was taken out of the audience deserves an apology if not a bouquet of roses.

Your disgruntled customer, Michelle Carter

Interesting choice of descriptives in "disgruntled," as it’s usually reserved for psycho post office workers with guns. That "woman" only deserved what she got, and my only regret about you Michelle, is that you didn’t open up your dopey hole to defend her, because I would have fucking tortured you too. Your an idiot and a liar, and there’s a seat with your name on it next time Carrot Top stops in San Diego. Until then, stay the fuck out of the Comedy Store and don’t you ever defend a fucking heckler again.

Oh, and one more thing, since I’m sure you’re gonna find out about this website and my letter to you as I’m sure you’re probably obsessed with me by now:


Any questions?