Oh, the outrage…
I didn’t watch the super bowl (oh, the horror) but I got home and everyone was talking about Janet Jackson pulling out her tittie during the halftime show.
Now, initially I thought that it was just some quick slip out or something, but when I checked the internet there was actually pictures of her with a boob out and her nipple covered in a something that looked like a pastie.
Then I dug a little further, and I saw that it actually WAS her nipple, with some sort of a metal ornament around it.
I looked at it and thought:
"Wow. That was pretty bold… I guess. Whatever."
That was it. That was all I thought about it, until I heard the outcry. I first read about it on the "drudge report" site, and I was really taken aback. I didn’t believe it was real. I couldn’t believe people we’re really that upset with it. The headlines were something about CBS exposing Janet’s breast during the "Dinner Hour," carefully worded to imply the impact it could have on wholesome families that could be negatively effected if they accidentally saw a nice tit on TV while tuning in to the "family" programming of some of the largest, most violent men on the fucking planet colliding with each other over a ball.
Why, what would junior think if he saw that? An actual part of a human body on television!! That’s insane!! A nipple? Are you fucking serious? The actual body part where milk comes out to feed babies? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! That could scar him for life!!
I mean, I know he’s going to see a woman’s nipple EVENTUALLY, but ideally that will be on his wedding night, and it will be the nipple of the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with!
My 3 year old was watching the game with us, and that black tit popped out, he leapt out of his mother’s arms and knocked himself unconscious slamming his mouth into the TV trying to suck on it! Thanks a lot, CBS!! Thanks to you and your filthy little halftime show, my little Billy is a retard!"
"CBS halftime makes retards out of good children."
"My little Tony was in all advanced classes, but after that CBS halftime show, now all he does is sit around with his hand down his pants, sucking on his thumb saying, "Miss Jackson if you’re nasty." It’s horrible. We were sure he was going to be president some day, but now we’re not even sure if he’ll ever be potty trained."
Bill O’Reilly will be on the fox news channel saying, while he supports the cause of young people from this country going halfway around the world and killing people they don’t know, he feels very strongly that the government should ban black tits on television for the sake of the children.
More headlines read:
Today at the white house, in a surprise move, the government has stepped in and imposed the highest fine in the history of broadcasting on CBS. The president has decided that because of the harm CBS has done by showing a bare black tit on television, he will confiscate the station and that the government will now run CBS, and use it to "Promote "Family Values™" and to "Fight Evil.™""
This will be the beginning of what the people in the future will refer to as the "Dark Years."
12 months after the government takes over CBS, there is a terrorist attack at NBC. Islamic fundamentalists break into NBC, kill everyone that works there and broadcast hardcore interracial porn over our nations airwaves right when everyone tunes in for "Friends."
That night… in one of our nation’s greatest tragedies, 200,000 white men take their own lives.
One survivor tells his tale:
"I couldn’t believe it was on, and so I was watching it, thinking they’re gonna shut it off soon… but nope. It stayed on for the whole fucking hour. I couldn’t believe it. There was this one scene, where Lexington Steele is getting his 14" cock sucked by three of the hottest white chicks I’ve ever seen in my life, and I just hear fucking guns going off left and right. Really, it sounded like the fucking fourth of July out there. Dudes just couldn’t take it, I guess. To be quite honest, when those 3 girls, I’m talking girls that probably wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire… when they was on their knees begging for that big spook to cum in their face… I seriously thought about taking my own life. I really did. But then I thought about my little Tommy that’s been retarded since the super bowl, and I somehow came up with the strength to put the gun down. I’m everything to that kid."
The president calls an emergency press conference to face the nation regarding this terrible event. He vows that the "Forces of Good™" will prevail over "Forces of Evil™," And that the government will now take over NBC and rename it to GBS, short for God’s Broadcasting Station. This will show the terrorists that nothing they do can shake our "Faith™".
God’s Broadcasting Network will go online one week later, and feature nothing but Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Country music videos, and the occasional Ted Nugent hunting show.
One year after God’s Broadcasting Network begins to air, Aliens from 10 different galaxies land on Earth and decide to kill all the humans off and start the experiment over again with a new formula. Let’s infuse the chimps with 3% Alien DNA and see if that works better…
But please, stop me here. That’s wishful thinking.
I seriously have to think that if there are any advanced Alien civilizations out there monitoring us, at this point they HAD to have given up by now. I mean, it’s pretty obvious we’re not really getting any smarter.
This little experiment has clearly failed.
It’s been almost 57 years since the Roswell UFO crash, pot is still illegal even though it kills no one, yet Cigarettes are legal even though they kill 417,000 every year, Tommy Chong is locked in a cage for selling bongs, the president is a warmonger that dodged the draft, and the nation is "outraged" that someone showed a breast on television during our most violent national pastime?
Seriously? This is where the humans are in 2004?
What a fucking outrage.