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Save us from ourselves…

I was sickened but not quite surprised when I read that the very popular NY radio personalities Opie and Anthony had been fired from the radio for a stunt where they had listeners have sex in public places. One couple decided to have sex in St. Patrick’s cathedral, and that apparently was enough to outrage some fucked up catholic group, which numbers 350,000 members to the point where they decided to threaten to boycott the station. The station caved in, and Opie and Anthony were fired.

What an outrage.

People were having sex? Are you fucking serious?

And in a church? THAT, apparently was the kicker.

The church part. That just fucking kills me. I say shame on that station. Shame on them for being powerful enough to broadcast mass media, and still giving into a bunch of dopes that believe in goofy fairy tales. I wonder if they really thought it out at all, because did they really think that a catholic boycott would be that big of a deal? A catholic boycott would NEVER work.

I was raised a catholic when I was a little kid, and I know the animal very well. First off, it’s impossible to get catholics to stop doing anything that they really want to do. That’s why they had to invent confession, because they couldn’t get the catholics to stop sinning with just guilt and faith. Confession only exists because they had to give the people an escape clause, a way to still go to church and get into heaven, even if you didn’t follow the rules. Everyone knows that 90% of the “rules” are completely un-natural and contrary to normal human behavior, so they had to invent a work around. Confession only exists because you can’t put the whole church in hell, because if you do, they stop giving you their money.

The bottom line is; if it’s an entertaining show, the catholics are still going to tune in. If their faith doesn’t keep them from committing “real” sins like pre-marital sex, adultery, lying, cheating, stealing and murder, do you really think that it’s going to stop them from listening to a fucking radio show?

Not a fucking chance. Why would they, when all they have to do is listen and confess about it?

I personally would have been more upset if the couple were caught having sex in a Toys R’ Us. In fact, I consider Toys R’ Us to be much more worthy as a place of worship than just about any church, especially a catholic one.

First off, unlike the catholic church, if Toy’s R Us caught one of it’s employees fucking a bunch of little kids, they wouldn’t ship them off to a store in another state, they would fire them and call the police. Also unlike the catholic church, Toys R’ Us doesn’t poison kid’s minds with fear and guilt and bullshit lies written 2,000 years ago by idiots that thought the world was flat, and the sun was 17 miles away.

Toys R’Us holds hope for the future. A kid can walk in there and imagine all the fun that they can have with one of those toys, if they can only talk someone into buying it for them. Where the catholic church offers children nothing but a rigid set of rules and regulations, that if followed, promises you eternity in the clouds with a bunch of people wearing robes and playing harps, and if ignored, a life in a pit of fire hanging out with Hitler and Ted Bundy with a red hot poker up your ass.

If the same couple was caught fucking in a Toys R’ Us, do you think Opie and Anthony would have been fired? I highly doubt it. People would have been pissed, and they might have been fined, but they would have probably kept their jobs, and profited from the publicity. I do think that if they were caught in a Toys R’ Us, it would probably disturb me a little if they were caught by a kid. That just doesn’t seem right.

I mean it’s not enough that I think they should be fired for it or anything, but it just seems like a lot for an unsuspecting kid to deal with, especially if he or she doesn’t know about sex yet.

There’s really only 2 ways kids should be exposed to people having sex; the bad way, when you accidentally walk in on your parents (which is more folklore than anything, because let’s be honest, by the time you’re old enough to be walking around sneaking into rooms, the chances are pretty good that your parents have long since stopped fucking) And the good way; porno films. Accidentally stumbling upon live strangers fucking when you’re 7 years old walking down the skateboard isle is a little much for the average kid to deal with. First off, I’ve seen pictures of the alleged fornicators, and those two weren’t exactly the best looking people on the planet. Then factor in the inevitable odors, sounds, and possible stray bodily fluids, and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Could you imagine the embarrassment little Johnny would have to go through explaining to his 2nd grade classmates that he broke his arm when he slipped on a strange man’s load at Toys R’ Us? No, in my opinion, that is just not cool.

So what’s the big deal about them getting caught having sex in a church?

Why, THAT is a sin!

THAT is disrespectful to what others believe in! Why, the catholics were up in arms at such a horrible thing! The same catholics that spoke of child molesting priests in hushed tones, and did nothing when the perpetrator of such horrors wasn’t thrown in jail, but merely moved out of state to a fresh batch of unsuspecting innocents. I really can’t recall ever seeing a single protest where a large group of catholics were up in arms and demanding all the priests be investigated to save their children.

That, is offensive.

Well, you have to respect what other people believe in! Religious tolerance is an important part of our culture!

What if what the other people believe is crazy? What if said people are in a cult, and in their cult Yogi Berra is their god, and it’s incredibly disrespectful to walk by their house of worship with a baseball hat on. Would people be up in arms if some radio station organized and orchestrated a public baseball hat wearing, walk-by day there?

Of course not, you say. Those people are silly. Why, they’re in a cult.

Well, I’ve got news for all you Catholics; you’re in a cult too.

It’s just a cult with millions of people in it. When you see the pope in his big goofy hat on, doesn’t that look remarkably similar to what some crazy cult leader would wear? That’s because he IS a crazy cult leader.

Of course I’m not in a cult!!!! Catholicism is a religion! It’s real!!

That’s what people in cults think, too. You think people in cults know they’re in a cult? Believe me, you can’t get people to chop their balls off and drink the kool aide unless they think you’re selling the real shit. And if that cult is successful, and it goes on for a long time, and after it’s passed down from generation to generation, it becomes an accepted religion. As incredible and mind boggling as it seems, stories that require more suspension of disbelief than an average Scooby do episode are just mindlessly handed down over and over again from parents to children, with very few questions asked. Which is where you are. Taught goofy shit by your family, that was taught goofy shit by theirs. Handed down generation after generation, without anyone ever questioning how incredibly fucking silly it all is. Despite all the advancements in science, and all things about religion that are disproved… it still marches on. The bottom line is that the only real, absolutely provable answers about life and our place in the universe are provided by science, and religion has been holding down science since day one.

I saw a documentary on the brilliant cosmologist Stephen Hawking, where he said he had a meeting with the pope, and that the pope said to him that it’s all right to explore the universe, but told him not to look into the origins of the big bang, for that would be questioning God’s story of creation.

Wow.

Just imagine that… one of the greatest minds to come along in the last few hundred years, and he’s taking directions from a cult leader that wears big goofy hats.

That, my friends, is offensive.