The Denial Project: No jerking off for a month, Day 11…
This… is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I picked a really shitty time to try out this project, because I started it out right as I was going on the road to Columbus, and let me tell you… Nothing makes you want to jerk off more than sitting in a strange hotel room, trying to get some sleep so that you can do radio at 6:30 the next morning. That, and the fact that they had some Jenna Jameson porno playing on the spectravision. But I stayed strong. It was so fucking sad, I was lying in a Marriot bed alone with a semi erection watching Arnold in "The 6th Day" at 3:30am, just trying to crash.
I’m eleven days into the project right now, and I have to tell you truthfully it was fairly easy for the first 3 days. All I had to do was stay busy, and try not to look at anything arousing. After that, though, it started to get ugly.
I hugged a girl Friday night after one of the shows and I got full wood. Not a chubby, I mean cold blue steel cock. I was in shock! I mean really, that shit hasn’t happened since I was a teenager. I was actually kinda confused, and I would love to see what the picture came out like, because I must have had a pretty fucking baffled look on my face, and a fat meaty blood sausage in my pants. The girl was really hot, and she was rubbing on me while her friend was taking a picture of the two of us, but I really, really didn’t expect that. Everything moved me, though… the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, her caressing hands as she rubbed on my back… BOING!!!
What’s really strange is how the DNA and it’s survival mechanisms start to play tricks on you. Over the weekend I found myself having totally retarded conversations with pretty girls, and actually being interested in whatever dumb bullshit we were talking about. Gone was the usual clarity that I have… The clarity that comes from releasing loads. I would smile, and keep talking when ordinarily I would have probably politely excused myself and headed for the exit. See, that’s one of the weird things about men that most women aren’t aware of. A lot of women think that men will tell you almost anything that you want to hear, and pretend they’re interested in what you have to say just to get some sex, but the reality is that the men for the most part aren’t even aware of it when they’re doing it. It’s not really a conscious decision to be full of shit for the most part (although many guys will lie and tell you that it is) It’s really sorta like you’re in some testosterone induced hypnotic trance, like cock auto pilot or something, and after you blast off, the trance is gone, and you’re just sitting there confused. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had sex with a chick, and after it was over I was actually confused. I was sitting there thinking:
"Here I am naked, lying in bed with someone I have absolutely nothing in common with, after wasting an entire evening talking to her about retarded bullshit just so I could get some sex, and I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing until now."
Then after the girl senses this, they start to harp on you: "Well, I guess you got what you want, and now you just want to leave…" (Which by the way, really, really doesn’t help) Then the real, conscious lies start. The lies that you tell to try to smooth the situation over so that you can make as guilt free an exit as possible. The lies about work to do in the morning, the lies about having had a great time…
The most evil lie of all:
"I’ll call you"
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that this is all sexual interactions with men and women, but for me at least, these kind are surely the most confusing. These are the ones that are purely animal, and totally DNA driven. They CERTAINLY aren’t the best ones. When men and women click, it is truly a fantastic, amazing thing. I love very few things in life more than hanging out with a hot chick with a great sense of humor. Having a great date, with a really fun, intelligent girl is one of the most magical things in all of life for me, but… if there’s no smart, hot chicks around, I will trick myself into having a cheap evening with a hot dumb dumb.
Jerking off makes you sure that great moments with women are truly real, and not distorted, or artificially enhanced by any need for sex. I’ve said it before in my act: "Women should be happy guys jerk off, because it keeps us from calling girls we don’t like. If I guy jerks off and still calls you… that’s love"
Now, I’m not a chick, but I do watch sex in the city (which, by the way, is written primarily by gay men) so I think I can safely say that there’s a lot of women that find themselves in a similar situation when an attraction to a man is purely physical. We all share the same basic drive: It’s simply the species trying to procreate. Just cells trying to divide, life trying to expand and continue on. Just a cock in search of a wet hole, a throbbing pussy aching to be filled.
Talking – motherfucking – monkeys.
I haven’t felt the animal drive in the way I felt it this week in a long, long time. It was literally like a drug. Women that I was attracted to carried a special secret power over me.I wanted to stick around and talk to them…I wanted to smell them. I could swear that I could actually feel their womanhood oozing from their skin.
Oh, by the way, in response to all your emails asking me if I was going to have sex, OF COURSE I AM!!!
What do you think I’m retarded? (don’t answer that until I tell you what I think about the Moon landings) And to all that have emailed me saying that having sex is cheating: Fuck you! This is my fucking project, and I make the rules! I THINK I can go 30 days without jerking off, I KNOW I can’t go thirty days without busting a nut. I just got WAY to much sex drive for that.
Let this fucking copy cat here try it out, he’s doing my experiment (with my blessings), only he’s calling it the denial project amped, and he’s gonna go 2 months.
Good luck to him.
Moving on… Columbus was a fuck of a lot of fun. Every show was sold out, and the crowds were off the hook. I met up with Joel of Muthafukka.com, and Rancid Turtle (a.k.a. Tony Z. in the place to be) from the messageboard and we all went to a strip club to see how much torture I could stand. Just as a coincidence my friend Leslie Wells was working in town that week. She’s what they call a "Headliner" stripper. That means she’s been in a bunch of dirty magazines, on the Howard Stern show, and done a bunch of fitness magazine covers. She actually does a really fucking funny show, where she comes out with a house coat on with her hair in rollers and pretends to be a trailer park queen with a bunch of kids (dolls) hanging off her coat. She dances around and then brings up a guy from the crowd (my buddy Chris) and humiliates him.
It was excellent!
Man, do I look like a perv or what? Can’t you just SEE the built up sperm?
Anyway, speaking of hot chicks that are out of their fucking minds… You HAVE to check out this site, psychoexgirlfriend.com!!!It’s all crazy fucking psycho cunts leaving fucked up psycho messages on dudes answering machines!! It’s awesome!!! I’ve listened to about 10 of them so far, and I’m fucking howling over here as I write this!! It reminds me of this fucking nut job that I used to date, she was the inspiration for the "Voodoo Punanny" song I wrote. I just WISH I had some of the wacked out messages this chick used to leave on my machine. Psycho chicks are truly the best.
Always have been, always will be.
Oh yeah, the rubber fuckers are pissed off at me and writing nasty e mails.
Tune in next time, when I explain why I think the Government lies to you about everything, including the moon landing!