My favorite retarded tradition occurred this week, and no, it’s not the fourth of July. Although I do think the fourth is a pretty silly holiday It simply does not compare to my FAVORITE retarded tradition. Without a doubt my favorite assed up, fucked up, shit for brains tradition in the whole world is the "running with the bulls", or San Fermin festival in Pamplona, Spain.
Every year for eight days these fucking morons let angry bulls loose in the street, and the people run away from the bulls. Every year for over 400 years they’ve done this, and every year since I first heard about it some 15 years ago I have passionately rooted for the bulls.
The festival is a phenomenal example of how truly fucking stupid and sheep like some folks are. What REALLY kills me is how many so called "intellectuals" make this trip every year.Like this fellow in this article here, his name is Joe Distler and he’s a literature teacher from Manhattan that has not missed a day of this festival for 35 years. He describes the festival this way:
"I couldn’t possibly describe the feeling," Joe Distler exulted Monday, still finding much to say. "I’m high as a kite. I’ll eat breakfast and go dancing. Beautiful women, friends. What else could you want?"
Oh gee, I don’t know, Joe… what else COULD you want? Maybe full use of your legs, and NOT having a fucking bull’s horn plowed though your asshole? What else COULD you want? Maybe not spending your last living moments on the planet helplessly staring down as your perforated colon and torn intestine leaks blood and shit down your crushed legs onto the beer and piss soaked street? What else COULD you want? Maybe not having a 5 thousand pound angry, taunted animal stomp you while you’re down and shove it’s hoof through your temple splattering your confused brains all over the 500 year old cobblestones? What else COULD you want? Maybe not living out the rest of your life breathing through a fucking tube and pissing into a bag because you thought it would be "romantic" to carry on a tradition that was fucking stupid when it was started 400 years ago?
But stop, you obviously don’t understand… Why, Hemingway wrote of the running of the bulls! To come here is romantic! It’s a part of literary history!
Hemingway wrote some great books, granted… but can I remind all of you assholes that weren’t paying attention that Hemingway was a total fucking psycho who was a reckless alcoholic that once picked a fist fight with the world’s heavyweight champion, Jack Dempsey? Did you conveniently forget that he was clinically depressed, that he underwent electroshock therapy, and wound up blowing his fucking head off with a shotgun?
Yeah… but he wrote some cool books! Fuck it, let’s do what he did! Besides, it’s a challenge that you’ll remember for the rest of your life!
This is how Jim Ballor, a 47 year old High School Teacher from Detroit describes it:
"You have two or three minutes when you know you’re alive, a pure lifelong memory." You know what, Jim? If you’re 47 years old, and you’re still not sure if you’re alive you should do yourself, and your students a favor and kill yourself. Next time you see a gigantic, furious beast with death in his eyes stampeding towards you, do the world a favor and line your head up with one of those horns, because YOU are a fucking idiot. If the way you chose to find out if you’re alive is to be chased by a huge angry animal, you have obviously made some really, really shitty choices in your life. You are alive,the bull stomps you, then you’re dead.
If your students have any luck at all their next teacher won’t be such a fucktard, and perhaps they can all learn from your mistake. If you get really lucky, you might even make the Darwin Awards!
Learn from the mistakes of these two fools here, and enjoy these videos:
Thank you for the HUNDREDS of emails explaining to me that the netauthority site is a hoax. Yeah, they got me hook and sinker. Being the typical reactionary asshole that I am, I really didn’t look at the site as carefully as I should have, probably because I secretly wanted it to be real. I mean hell, there’s plenty of real religious sites out there that are EASILY more fucked up than that one.
Actually, net authority is quite a bit more believable than some of these "real ones."
If you want to get on Fear Factor, please go to this site here and fill out the form. Emailing me will not help you get on the show. I’m only the host, and if I actually did correspond with you, and then you became a contestant that violates some creepy FCC rule, and you could be disqualified anyway.