Where the fuck have you been?

Well, I’ll tell ya… I’m a working stiff. Humping it, one show leading into the next, barely enough time to sleep, work out and spank one off. I’ve been working 6 days a week for the past few weeks banging out this "Fear Factor" show, and I’m soooo not used to regular real life. I’ve been doing nothing but stand up for the past 2 years, and all this "work" shit feels weird. I’m used to going to bed at 5am and sleeping until I wake up. Now I get up early, and when I get home I work out, watch TV and sleep. Then I get up and do it all over again. Not that I’m complaining, ’cause I’m not. I’m having a fucking great time, and this show is fun as hell… it’s just this career thing is kinda overly consuming.

I guess this is how most people live their whole lives, right? Weird…

It’s not really your job, it’s really your entire life, and anything you do other than the "job" is just you either entertaining yourself to take your mind off work, or resting and relaxing before you have to go back to work again.

No wonder why most people live their lives in a state of confusion, you never really have the time to site down and think shit out. By the time the dust begins to settle, your fucking alarm clock goes off and it’s back to work you go again. Next thing you know you’re off doing stupid shit like getting married and having kids. Caught up in a whirlwind of momentum with no time to think shit out right.

As a comic, that’s all you do, really. Especially when you’re trying to come up with new material. At least that’s what I do; I sit around and think about what bothers me or intrigues me about whatever subject I’m writing about, and that in turn fuels the humor. I mull over it, I analyze it all, and then I put myself in the average moron’s perspective so I can find out what the rationalizations and justifications for whatever retarded thought or action would be, then I add in my unique opinion, and observations on the subject, and there you have it: Stand up comedy.

I’ve always said that the best stand up comedy is basically "Here’s the world through my eyes" But I’m starting to realize that one of the big things that separate a comic from an average person (besides talent and a sense of humor) is that they have the TIME to sit down and think all this shit through. That’s basically what I did with the majority of my life from age 21 on (actually age 23, because that’s when I started making money doing stand up) was just sitting around thinking about shit. Granted, I wasted a HUGE amount of said time just thinking about pussy and blowjobs (and I think that’s pretty well reflected in my earlier material) but one of the reasons I’m so opinionated is that I’ve had a massive amount of time to form these opinions, and thoroughly think them through.

Some of them have helped me create universal rules that can be applied to anything, like my 3 types of people rule:

There are 3 types of people in the world: Morons, Assholes, and People you can hang out with.

That’s it.

All that black, asian, white, man, latino, woman, gay, straight stuff is all just an illusion.

Morons, Assholes, and People you can hang out with.

That’s all there is, and everything else is just a variation on the theme. Don’t attempt to debate me on this, as it is a flawless, provable theory.

Take gay for instance.

The biggest fear dumb homophobic men have (besides the fear that they might secretly crave some cock) is that if they know a gay guy, they’re afraid that guy would try to fuck them, even though the gay guy knows the other guy is straight. Well if that was the case, then that gay guy is just a fucking asshole. No different than the clueless straight guy that won’t stop hitting on the woman at work that is repulsed by him.

The fact that he’s gay is insignificant, and the bottom line is the guy is an asshole.

See? It’s a flawless theory concocted over years of watching too much porn and sleeping till noon.

But I digress…

Joey Diaz says hi… and offers his techniques and strategy for the participants in tonight’s Ultimate Fighting Championship.


I’m gonna be at the Comedy Store in LA tonight (Friday the 23rd) and Tomorrow at 10PM. If you ain’t got nothing better to do, please stop by and say hi.

Much thanks to Dicky, a.k.a. Slutboy for creating this genius, and inspiring banner for my site:


Feel free to use it to link to here if you have a site and you know how to do all that fancy shit.

Also feel free to check out this site, It’s run by a cool dude that used to be a navy seal, and it’s full of hot chicks with big tits and guns. AS IF you could ask for anything more?

Last but not least, I’m sorry if you’ve e mailed me in the last month or two and I haven’t gotten back to you. I READ all the e mails I get (even the retarded ones, and believe me there’s a lot of those) but especially with this schedule, and the fact that sometimes I get as many as 200 e mails a day, it’s virtually impossible for me to write back to everyone. I try, but I really just don’t have the time.

I do however appreciate all your kind words, and if you send me pictures of your tits I will try very hard to get them up here.

I also want to give a big shout out to all the freaks lurking and posting in my messageboard (although the ezboard server is down for repair as of right now) I love the fact that you guys have made it one of the very few messageboards on the net not completely poluted by fuckheads and retards.


I’ll see you all on Saturday when I will bring you photos from the King Of The Cage and Rancid Turtle returns with part 2 of the Manly Manifesto!!!