Blog

Who dat?

Here is the first day of the latest incarnation of my website.

I know I don’t really write that much on it, but that’s gonna change.

Seriously. I promise.

I’ve got a bunch of shit planned, and on top of it I’ve hired a professional video camera man to follow me around at my gigs recording all of the crazy shit that happens in this unusual life I’m living.

You ever have something really funny happen in your life, and you thought “Shit, I wish someone filmed that!”

Well, I decided to hire someone for just that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Señor Redban!

mask_vi

He’s a former Mexican wrestler that had to retire from his craft prematurely due to an unfortunate back injury. He needed to find a new way to make a living, so he started working with his uncle Pedro filming the Tijuana Donkey shows.

They would make these really interesting films and edit them right there on an imac.

Really, really creative stuff. Clips from his films are all over the net now, so chances are you’ve probably seen his work.

Well, about 6 months ago Attorney General John Ashcroft made a deal with the Mexican Government to crack down on the world famous donkey show. Ashcroft said the donkey show “Made the baby jesus very angry.”

Señor Redban’s house was raided. He escaped, but the other 37 people living in the house with him were not so lucky.

He made his way to Los Angeles, hoping to find a job so that he could raise the money he needed to bribe the Mexican officials and free his family.

That’s where we met.

I went to home depot to pick up a lawn gnome, and I immediately recognized Señor Redban hanging out with the day laborers looking to pick up some work.

He’s gained a little weight since his wrestling heyday, but not even his mask can hide the fire that burns in his eyes. The man was born to film.

I hired him right away, and he’s been following me with a camera ever since.

I’ve never had an employee before, and I really didn’t know what to expect.

He doesn’t really speak much, and when he does it’s usually the same old tire shit about “Getting revenge,” but other than that he’s a cool guy.

And he really, really knows how to point a camera and press the red button.

We’ve got hours and hours of shit from the road, the comedy store, medical marijuana benefits, the UFC… all kinds of cool footage.

I’ll start putting that stuff up this week.

I’ve got a lot of stuff I wrote but haven’t posted yet, so I should have a pretty steady stream of shit up here for a while. I’m really into writing lately, too. I’ve had an itch to write on this site for quite a while that I haven’t really had since I started doing “The Man Show.” Oh yeah… sorry about that by the way.

I really didn’t think it was gonna suck that bad when I agreed to do it. It was a hell of a lot of fun, but in hindsight it was probably a dumb idea. There was just no way I had enough time to devote to it while I’m doing Fear Factor.

I got greedy.

There’s just not a whole lot of times in life where you get to do two TV shows at the same time, so I felt like I had to jump on it.

It was a learning experience for sure, and without a doubt it was the most fun I’ve ever had working on a show.

I would love to do something with Doug again, but next time we’ve got to do something uncensored. It’s just too fucking frustrating knowing how much funnier something could be if you could just go for it, and not worry about squeaking things past someone that wants to argue whether or not the word “hard” is offensive.

I shit you not.

That was actually one of our battles. We wanted to do a game show called “Make Me Hard” and the network made us change it to “Make Me Stiff”

Makes sense, right?

I think we argued about that for about an hour.

The real absurdity was that they found the word “stiff” too much, but the sketch involved a transsexual pulling his lunch out and shaking it in some poor dudes face on TV, and that was OK with them.

Whatever.

Bottom line, Doug and I had the fucking time of our lives, and even though at least 50% of it sucked I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I’ve got quite a few stories about the experience, and I can think of no better way to start it off then with the question I get asked the most besides “Are you gay?” and that’s “How did you guys pick the Juggies?”

Juggie Auditions…

What do you get when you cross 100 hot freaks auditioning to be a “Juggie” with Doug Stanhope, Joey Diaz, and me?

I think you can do the math on that one all on your own.

For 8 hours, Doug and I interviewed some of the hottest little attention whores this side of Rocky Mountains, and I gotta tell ya, it’s a hell of a nice way to spend an afternoon.

I mean, where else can you tell a chick that would most likely never have sex with you except for money, to take off her dress, turn around and show you her ass?

And here’s the kicker; it’s not like you’re being a dick, that’s actually what they came to do! They’re here, because they are professional hot chicks. That’s how they pay the bills, and they are fully aware of how magnificent and wonderful that rump is, and they just can’t wait to get that object of wonder and desire out of their pants, and bend over and stick it right in your face.

shakedatass

God bless America.

Of course we have to get to know the girl behind the ass, so we had to ask them all sorts of probing questions about their aspirations, hopes and desires, and I gotta tell you that I was pleasantly surprised. They all understood English, and most of them answered when you talked to them!

It sure wasn’t like how it is at the skybar.

Some of them even had hidden talents that they wanted to share!

“What kind of music do you like?”

“Country”

“How sad.”

“It’s not sad! I love country music! I’m actually a country singer!”

“Will you sing for us?”

“Sure!”

Country cutie pie then broke out with a song that consisted of a painful series of cliché sentiments detailing love at first site, and some shit about how she knew when we first met that we would have a family together and live in the woods, or something to that effect.

It was fucking unbelievably uncomfortable to watch, and even harder not to laugh at, especially since she was staring right into my eyes the entire time she was singing.

But she showed big brass balls busting out the song in front of a couple douche bags like Doug and I, so of course we clapped.

Plus it didn’t hurt that she was hot as fuck.

It’s no secret that really hot chicks aren’t held up to the same standards of communication that the rest of the humans are, but it’s really kind of shocking when you witness just how little some of them have in the tank. They just realized really early in life, that they’re sexually attractive, and that people are going to be nice to them no matter what, and that if they’re around men, they’ll always be the center of attention, now matter how little they have to say. They just figured, fuck it… I’ll just bank on this.

They can just look hot, and talk about how they went shopping for shoes, and the men will drool and listen intently.

What a horrible painful transition it must be when a chick like that gets old and no one wants to fuck them anymore.

Of course it’s not all hot chicks that fall into this trap, and I have to say it really makes you appreciate the hot ones that are actually smart and interesting… I mean I’m assuming it does if and when you actually get to meet one of those rare animals.

One of the benefits of having a big audition that included a lot of girls was that we got to talk to so many women that we actually did meet some really cool chicks, and we hired 4 of them. But that’s not before we had to interview at least 20 of them that were just super spooky scary dumb. We didn’t have a whole lot of time to get to know each candidate, so we came up with a series of fucked up questions to see how they would react, and what kind of a sense of humor the gals had.

“If your body was the viper room, which door has the velvet rope and the bouncer, and which door does the band have free access too?”

“Isn’t that where River Phoenix died?”

“Hmmm… next question.”

“If you had to suck dick for drug money, what drug would it be?”

“I don’t do drugs, I just drink.”

“Do you know alcohol is a drug?”

“I don’t consider it a drug.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s legal.”

“Well, it’s tough to fuck with that logic.”

“The man show has two hosts, you have three holes, which hole stays empty?”

“My belly button.”

“Umm, that’s not really a hole. It’s sewed up.”

“Ok, then the hole where my tongue piercing is.”

“I give up. Will you dance for us?”

“Sure!”

This was my favorite part of the day, I like to call it “Faking Enthusiasm,” and some of them do it so well it’s fucking scary.

I think what happens is when one of these gals takes the path of the professional hot chick

Whatever part of their brain that wasn’t developed once they realized that they were given a genetic trump card, they put all that unused energy into other areas, specifically pretending that they’re attracted to you.

Sort of like how rain man couldn’t talk to people, but he was a motherfucker at counting.

I guess nature has a way of balancing it all out in the long run.

They realize early on that being a professional hot chick doesn’t just mean that they look hot and everything falls into place, they also have to find away to make being sexually attractive translate into nice clothes, cars and jewelry, and the most effective way to do that in the hot chick market is to pretend that they would be interested in having sex with you.

The music begins, and she starts to move her fantastic frame to the beat, stepping with long smooth legs propped up on giant stripper heels, gyrating her curvy body as the bass thumps. She stares at Doug and I, and we both get nervous.

Its no why wonder so many smart rich dudes get roped into marrying hot dumb dumbs.

Once these lovely creatures started dancing, you really wanted to believe they were into you. You really want to believe that she’s different.

Maybe she just comes off as dumb… Maybe she’s actually smart and cool and she just gets nervous at auditions…

Maybe she’s just allergic to her hairspray and it’s making her temporarily retarded…

Maybe it’s more important that she’s hot than if she’s smart.

I believe George Harrison once said “All I need from a woman is that she be attractive, everything else I can get from a man.”

You really start to reconsider your values when presented with a hot chick with a rocking ass, dancing in front of you in a bikini, looking you right in the eyes and sucking on the tips of her fingers.

You know what really surprised me more than anything was the way other women reacted to the juggies.

Of course it’s common knowledge that some women can get jealous, but it’s a little weird when you see how raw and uncomfortable they can get when they’re in the presence of other women that you would want to fuck more than them.

It’s really that simple.

I would watch them whisper to each other and glare at the girls. They would look franticly for flaws. Simple monkey instincts in action.

My favorite hater was a friend of mine who came backstage in between skits and commented on the juggies, saying how she “couldn’t believe those girls.” I said what do you mean, and she just rolled her eyes and said “I just could never be friends with a girl like that.” Now here’s the kicker… she’s a fucking professional model!! She actually even models bikinis!!

I guess it’s ok to work in a bikini, as long as you don’t dance or move around.

But I’m sure if someone offered her a part in the next Vin Diesel movie where she had to dance around in a bikini, should would take it in a heart beat.

Why… that would be a career move.

Maybe if she was lucky, and she was well received it could possibly lead to a spread in maxim where she could show off her goods… in a bikini.

That would be great.

Really what her problem was that the girls were too enthusiastic about the attention that they were receiving from the men. They were committing an unwritten violation of the unspoken agreement that chicks have where you if you’re hot, but you better not be hot in front of a group of men and actually enjoy the fact that they think you’re hot.

If you do, then you’re like a big slut or something.

Is anyone really still reading this shit at this point?

By the way “Team America” is the funniest movie in the history of the fucking world, and if you don’t like it, you’re a fucking douchebag.

FearBush